a slight problem

This is just a quick update as I am more than freaking out right now...

I was told yesterday that I may not get my interview from the colonel at all. I have a plan B but it isn't nescesarily going to work... I don't want to reveal too much because I want to be in the Army more than anything... so I am praying and I'm asking anyone who reads this to pray for me as well.

I'll let you know the final decision later on when my recruiter calls me.

good news :]

So I think things are back on the right track. I talked to my recruiter today and she said that my packet is on the Colonel's desk! Yay! Which means that when he's back in the office on Tuesday I should be getting my interview! I am completely elated by this fact and I know it took a bit of a harsh method to get to this point but I am happy to finally possibly be within reach of my interview and the beginning of my life. 

To celebrate I am cooking my family a nice dinner of grilled chicken and rice and I'm putting a plate aside for my mom so she can have a nice dinner when she gets home. She's been getting home around 7:30/8 lately and going to bed at 9 so I think the more I can do to help the better.

My sister on the other hand... she has decided she hates me. I can accept the fact that she might be upset that I have been up here for longer than expected. I told her very clearly last night that I am not buying into her petty games anymore. I don't have the want or need for strife in my family and she is 18 now and legally an adult. I am not her maid and I told her that as well. I haven't talked to her in a couple of days. I know that time heals all wounds though so I'll be fine.

Today has been a complete success :] In about an hour I'll start dinner and I think that everything will work out. 

Also I have gotten my mile time down even more and my weight is going down more every day :]

waiting part 12.349254

So, today has been anything but good. I woke up and my mom went off on me about the fact that I am still waiting for my interview. That was fine. I needed the push I guess because I went to drastic measures and I called the Navy recruiter today to see about whether they could ship me out any sooner than the Army knowing full well that this will get back to my recruiter who was not pleased at all. I had to explain to her about the fact that I have heard nothing but "next week" for over 2 months and that I can't wait anymore. My dad lost his job and I am seriously a financial burden right now. So I told my recruiter all of that and she said she would call up there to get my interview moved up but I don't plan on just accepting that and moving on. I have an interview set for 10 AM on Friday at the Navy offices and if I don't have a definite time for my interview or complete the interview before then I'm going to take the meeting. This has turned into an absolute nightmare and all of my friends are telling me that I shouldn't even do the military but now it's really what I want and I'm not willing to take no for an answer. I am thinking about getting the Colonel's name so I can call him myself and ask him for my interview and explain my personal circumstances. I understand I am 1 in 600 people who need an interview but I think that I would be an easy one. I am not willing to take "next week" as an answer anymore and I think my stubborn attitude and extremely careful tact will see me through this. If not then I have a very nice Petty Officer waiting to meet me. He seemed to think that everything would be expedited much quicker through the Navy. I have lost so much weight and 10% body fat. I did not come this far to be pushed aside. 

Also just a little bit ago a debt collector called about me. They said that I had not made any contact about paying a debt and the man who I talked to was extremely rude when I explained that I was going into the service and that as soon as I have the means I will begin paying my debt. Some people just are not meant to work where they have to talk.

So right now I am very determined to get things going. I am inspired and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get into the military and succeed. That's basically all..

600

So this is just a quick update on things. I called the Battalion Commander today and she said that she would personally call the colonel to make sure that my interview is one of the first. Turns out they have over 600 interviews to do and although I went to MEPS at the very beginning of December there are people who went to MEPS even longer ago than myself. I am okay with the waiting. I did something weird to hurt my right wrist but I've been wrapping it and icing it so it should be better soon. Until it's better though I can't do push-ups which is pretty sad but I will get through it. My body fat is still falling so I am so far out of the woods as far as Army standards are concerned. For some reason my actual weight hasn't dropped that much but I suppose that will happen at basic. 

So all of my patience seems to be working out. I have finished three books in two days and I'm working on my third. Today I printed out the Harvard top 100 novels list and I realized I have read a lot of them and I am going to work on finishing up some more while I wait. 

Well that's all for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :]

where were you?

So I haven't posted in a while. If you thought I had finally made it to basic then you may be disappointed to hear that I still haven't gotten my interview. Apparently my packet is sitting on the colonel's desk so as soon as he decides to read it and call me I'll be heading out. At this point I'm kind of thinking about the fact that if I had stuck with the Air Force I probably would already be in but I am really proud of the fact that I have stuck with the Army although things have not been going in my favor lately.

So how have I been passing my time? I have been focusing on my faith. I have been reading books and meditating and praying. Through this I have attained a peace within and I feel that everything will go exactly as it's supposed to. This is the most comforting thing I could ask for. Also thanks to my new found inner peace I have been able to help 2 friends in very different situations but who both needed guidance. 

Faith has always been a hard thing for me to deal with. I don't enjoy discussing it, not because I might be ridiculed but because it is the most private part of me and I feel that it should stay that way. I have opened up completely to my friend Nick and because of that we have started connecting on a deeper level. We are both Catholic and Conservative so a lot of my beliefs overlap with his but the differences are enough to keep us talking for hours. I have never before found it so comfortable to discuss my personal relationship with God and I wonder if that was the final obstacle that I had to pass before I could move on with my life.

I have matured more than I thought possible. While my friends spend their days gossiping and stabbing each other in the back I pray to leave so I might help the country and find my place in this world. All I've ever wanted to be is a success and I feel that if I try as hard as I can I will succeed in anything I try.

I stopped exercising for about a week now. I don't know why but I found that my spiritual fitness was more important. I think I'll run tomorrow to make sure my legs still work though :lol: I have continued to lose weight and body fat and I am finding it more easy to love myself now that I am finally having things shape up.

My recruiter called today to let me know that she expects the interview to be this week. I certainly hope so as I feel that I have overstayed my welcome here. Although, things have been going well between my parents and myself, I feel that is only because I gave them my tax refund check which was for almost 1000 dollars. It's the least I can do though. I go to work with my mom some days so she doesn't have to work so hard and I know she won't yell at me as long as I am helpful and quiet. Today I cleaned the whole house again and changed out everyone's bed sheets. I feel the best when I can help others. 

The only qualm I have with anything is the fact that my younger sister who is going to be 18 on Friday does nothing around the house. I even clean her room and put her clothes away. I think she has a sense of entitlement because she has a job but when I started working the day of my 16th birthday instead of having a party I'm no inclined to feel sorry for her. I worked every single day during my junior and senior year and maintained a 5.97 GPA where there is a possibility of her failing. I don't like to compare myself to her but it's hard when I'm picking up her slack every day and I have to carefully put away her clothes and she'll yell at me if I don't.

Okay rant over.

I have a song of the day!!

It's the new The Fray song, "You Found Me"

It's amazing!

a couple of days

So I just talked to my recruiter and it turns out I won't be getting my interview for another couple of days. So it looks like I'll be going to MEPS next Monday and I am going to try my hardest to leave from there. Things are not going so well for my family financially now so I hope that I can get in sooner than later because once I'm earning money I will be sending a few hundred home every month. I mean I have my own debts that need to be handled but I can do that and help out my family so I don't see why I shouldn't help. 

I started a detox program today so I don't get sick when I leave, especially if I happen to get sent to Ft. Leonardwood instead of Ft. Jackson. The detox program is pretty intense though, you drink lemon water all day and you don't eat anything. It's supposed to last one week but I'm going to do it for as long as I can which I honestly think will be less than that. Either way it works for me. I just hope that I can stick with it with my sister bringing home all kinds of McDonalds food haha

I have been talking to my best friend about leaving a lot more lately. Im really nervous about it but a good nervous like I used to be before a performance. I know this is what I need in my life and I am willing to wait a few more days :]

:]

So finally I have everything completed aside from this interview which was promised to happen on Monday. So from what I can gather I'll have my interview on Monday and then go to MEPS Wednesday and come home Thursday night and hopefully leave the following Monday.

I hope that this is really it. I have been praying for this to happen for such a long time and I think finally I am prepared. I have been focusing on the exercises I'll be doing in Basic and I know that I will be able to run my mile easily and also do those 3 push ups without any problems. Sit ups still hurt once I get past 15 but it's nothing that a weekend of maxing out my muscles can't cure :]

I am so happy about this. It has been a long journey to this point and I know that I am doing this for the right reasons and that everything will work out. I think I've explained this before but I have been doing housework around here in exchange for my room and board. I have just scrubbed the house top to bottom and I am very pleased with the results, I can only hope that my mother notices it. She hasn't been feeling well lately and she had to work tonight so I thought it would be nice for her to come home to a nice clean house. 

I also haven't cried in a while. I have had plenty of reasons to, however I have been trying my hardest to hold back tears when I'm upset. I don't want to look like I'm weak and I know that as soon as a big scary man starts yelling at me I'll break down so fast but for now I feel like I stand a semi-chance ha.

Okay well that's about it. I'll have a lot more details Monday so until then...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

good news

So I have been doing a lot of things lately that have prevented me from posting but I finally have good news. Turns out I just needed one more recommendation. I have been in contact with my high school guidance counselor who has been so nice even though I have to email her 5 times before I remember to attach the forms she needs to use for the recommendation ha. My recruiter told me that as soon as I have this recommendation they'll do my interview and then I can go to MEPS! 

I am excited because that means I'll be leaving soon. I am also getting more into the scared part of leaving. I know I'll miss my family but I've been away from them before. I am so scared of not being able to keep up physically and having to go to the camp for people who can't pass the initial fitness test. I think I'm most scared that I will not be able to pass that test that it's freezing me up. I mean I know I can do 3 push ups and 17 situps easily. Although I know that my usual mile time is about 6 minutes 20 seconds I am terrified that I wont run fast enough to complete my mile in 10:30. 

I think all of my worries are just poking up their ugly heads. I can't even eat because I'm in anxiety mode and I know that sounds really bad seeing as I will be helping save soldiers lives up at the front lines but I am calm in cool in situations that I know some about. Everything I've read about basic training was written after the fact and I know that everyone I've talked to said they had a blast at basic training looking back on it.

I am taking deep breaths and I am getting pumped and I think I'll start running one mile twice daily to get my time as low as I can. Channeling my worried energy into positive :]

I'll keep this more updated now.

25

Okay so on facebook and myspace they have a 25 things game where you tell 25 things that no one knows about you... i figured i'd share this one with you 25 Random Things  1. I fell of my bike in 8th grade and gouged out most of the skin a tissue on my elbow. There's still a scar there and an old man with a dog named Oreo had to walk me up to my house because I thought that I had just scraped it. In reality it was so deep and wide I couldn't have stitches. 2. When I was younger I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. I mean from when I was able to say Marine Biologist until I moved to North Carolina in 5th grade. I obsessed about it and studied up on so many different sea creatures and the only camp I ever wanted to go to was Sea Camp but it was too expensive. 3. In my middle school we didn't have the wheel. You chose your instrument before you began band and if you didn't like it too bad. I chose clarinet because all of my friends who I played softball with were going to play the clarinet. That is the worst reason for one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 4. I am over-analytical and I don't really live in the here and now. I've heard this makes for a great doctor but it makes for a very strained relationship with my mother. 5. Up until my junior year of high school I let other people decide what I should be like. I always modeled myself after my friends because I never knew how to act. The reason why I stopped is because I had lost sight of who I wanted to be and then I tried to be who I thought I was at that point. I'm 19 now and I still have no clue who I really am but I'm finally enjoying the search. 6. Softball got me through some really hard times. I moved a lot growing up and the only way I could make friends was through sports. I was always the smartest kid in my classes until middle school and the teachers would single me out. Turns out no one really likes to be compared to one of their peers and aren't very friendly to said peer. 7. When I was really little I remember I would hit in the clothes racks at stores and hope that my mom would worry about me. This probably was because I was jealous of my little sister. That's the only time I've been jealous of her. 8. I was essentially homeless for 2 months this past summer. It taught me a lot about the kindness of others and made me realize how hopelessly fucked up my life was. My parents thought the best change for me would me to go into the military, it makes sense because I loved the militaristic attitude of marching band. 9. I cling to the friends I have now because the friends I made in college are all gone. I mean every last one of them. The friends I have left were my close friends in high school who I didn't alienate when I went off to college and some who I did. I wouldn't trade the few good friends I have for the multitudes of "cool" friends I had during my freshman year of college. 10. I am artsy fartsy. People don't know this because I'm not very talented when it comes to visual expression. I love to sketch and paint and blend oil pastels. I also love to dance although I would never dream of taking classes because I feel like I'd be starting too late. 11. The most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life was to be the drum major of my high school band my junior year. That was one of the hardest years of my life and I missed my AP Chemistry test that year because my mom sent me away for psychiatric evaluation (bet you didn't know that one) and the only time I felt truly happy was conducting the band at FBA and knowing that for approximately 7 minutes of my life I could let go. I know a lot of people disliked me and my leadership but I also know that there was no animosity that night, only happiness. 12. I used to keep secrets because I'm afraid, no, I know people will judge me. Truth be told it has taken me a lot to become the semi-well adjusted person I am now. I refuse to keep secrets now because I feel that if I'm open and honest with people then they will return those sentiments. I am not naive enough, however, to believe that it will work. 13. I am amazing at rock band. In fact I am amazing at anything that requires competition. This is because I have the competitive drive of a champion. I was raised thinking that the only way my parents would be happy with me is if I made good grades and did well in whatever I tried. Because of this I play many instruments proficiently, am a talented athlete, and read the New York TImes every morning to keep up with the world. I did not join the academic team because I didn't want to spend every day studying to keep up. 14. I am terrified of water at night. I get physically ill if faced with it. This is because when I was younger I fell into a pool of tepid water and went under and at that age the fear of something is really instilled in you. I will go to the beach at night but I don't walk too close to the water. 15. I am a very anxious person and paranoid to boot. I bit my nails down to the quick and I need to stop that because not only is it unsightly it is unsanitary. Every time I try to stop though I end up restarting all over again. 16. I don't think I'll ever be thin enough to feel okay about my body. When I was about 10 my mom started commenting about my weight. She still hasn't stopped. 17. I have more love than I know what to do with and I plunge headfirst into any relationship I start. If I make a new friend I feel the need to make them a best friend, if I start dating someone I am so adoring it's annoying. I need to focus this love on myself but that's the hardest thing to do. 18. I made the Alabama All State Orchestra my freshman year. It's because when I play the clarinet solo at the end of A Night on Bald Mountain I cry. They video tape auditions instead of just using audio tape and I had someone at all state come up to me and ask why I cried when I played the solo. I can't say that I know why at all.  19. I was once an atheistic intellectual until I realized that intellect and denying a deity don't have to go hand in hand. I don't want to feel alone and with my religion I never am. 20. I think constantly. It's a problem. My thoughts are so jumpy and rarely do I make segues that make sense to anyone but me. Luckily, I met Rebecca Smith my sophomore year and befriended her junior year. She can keep up with my thoughts and political prattle and we used to make jokes about things that no one else around us had even heard about. I treasure our candid conversations because they could make any think tank jealous. 21. I don't know why but anytime I want something to happen I bargain with everything for it. It's hard to explain but I'll think. If this happens then everything will be okay. Last night it was for the Cardinals to get a safety so I'd get my interview this week. It doesn't always work but it calms me down. 22. Sports are one of the few ways I can connect with my dad. I love my dad so much that I would do anything to be able to talk to him for more than a minute. This is a big reason why I started playing sports at such a young age and also the reason why I started watching ESPN all the time. 23.I love my mom. I hate the relationship we have. I have disappointed her and lied to her so many times and I know eventually I'll make it up to her. I just hope it's not too late. 24. I am not afraid of being deployed. I actually look forward to it. I know that it is an unavoidable experience that many will never experience and I relish things like that. I am nervous about all of the carnage that I will inevitably see but I also know that the bonds I form with my comrades will be the closest bond I will ever make. 25. This is the most open I've been on something that can be read by people who don't know me all too well. At the end of it I feel better than I have in a while. On the Army front: I called my recruiter and she was out to lunch so I should get a call back within the hour. I'm praying so hard and focusing my nervous energy on cleaning my sister's room which for an 11 year olds is suprisingly gross haha

good things come to those who wait :]

So I haven't posted in a few days because in all honesty there's been no change in anything. I haven't gotten my call or anything but I'm posting this because I just want to update as often as I can.

I've been in a really good mood lately. I'm always on the lookout for new bands that I like because music is something that I believe should be an important part in everyone's lives. On myspace I have a reputation of being the girl to go to for music because when my friends get bored of  the music they listen to all the time I always find good bands that have a habit of making it big :]

So I guess I'm a pretty good contact for new bands to have because in the past few days I've gotten a bunch of friends requests and messages from these new bands and I am just really excited about it. Although I'll be going into the Army soon (God willing) I am still excited about the opportunities to help out these bands before I leave. Back in Tampa I was really into the local scene and I helped spread the word about really good bands and always had my ipod ready to share my latest find and I had put that part of my life aside for a while but I figure since I have spare time I might as well put it to good use.

The reason for my excitement this evening is the Van's Warped Tour.It's a 2 month long tour with tons of great bands and causes, to me it signifies summer and although I won't be finished with my training until the end of July I plan on spending the time I have on leave with my family and also going to at least three stops of the tour. I have friends who volunteer and subsequently get free tickets and vip passes and this year I plan on volunteering with Keep Abreast, which is a foundation that raises money and awareness for breast cancer. Although I don't have any close family members or friends who have been affected by breast cancer I still feel strongly about this cause and I am excited to have the opportunity to volunteer and share my time in order to help those who need help.

While I'm on the topic I want to share another organization with you that really speaks to me. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that was started in order to help people with suicidal thoughts and general depression. Every year they have one day where you write the word love on your wrist to symbolize the millions of people who have taken their lives for various reasons including not having anyone to talk to.

http://www.twloha.com/  that is the link and they emphasize hope and reaching out to those who need it. 

I guess this post isn't so much about the Army as it is about me and who I am deep down and what makes me tick :]

Song of the day is below... this band is upbeat and kinda new... well they're brand new to me... but its all happy go lucky which is my mood... i wont stress anymore... my new friend john told me he knew my interview would happen this week so i'll accept whatever happens :]

another day, another blog

So I just realized that I never really explained what the interview I'm waiting for is all about. I've hinted but I guess I never came right out and said it. Everyone has things in their past that they regret, for me it was involvement with the police. I mean I'm not a felon or anything and the incident was when I was 16 so it's expunged (there's no open records for it) which has made it very hard to track down. I knew that I had this in my past but I also knew it was expunged which means you can't just go up to the courthouse and say, "hey, I need my record please" (I tried haha) So that's the interview I'm waiting for... well half of it. The other half is because my college records proved difficult to provide. I think it was the fact that most of the over 20 credits I have are from high school Advanced Placement classes and it's hard to get USF to send a transcript with my AP credits on there. The transcript I had just listed that I had 16 credits from high school and then showed the classes I took my freshman year of college. So yeah, all of that's been sorted out for a while. According to my recruiter the Colonel has been involved in battalion inspections for the past week and a half and today should be the last day but she didn't seem too hopeful that I'd get my interview done by the end of the week but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to take it as it is and keep working on my 2 mile run time :]

That's my military update. Now a great big welcome to all of you who have been directed here by AirmanMom :] I'm glad that so many people out there are interested in the lives of military (and future) military members :] It means a lot to me and I know whoever else you support through the blog world feels the same amount of gratitude. To answer Michelle's question; I'm going to be a  68W *combat medic* I want to be a doctor eventually so this is the trial run I guess. 

Today just started so I don't have much to say. I'm going to go on a run and work out heavily today. My stomach has been killing me the past few days, it's been killing my appetite etc. so last night I woke up randomly and I realized it's all the work I've been doing to my abs. I always do a whole bunch of crunches and sit ups and whatnot and let me tell you, I feel the burn for real! 

Okay well that's all. If I hear anything of course I'll run to the computer and blog it out but I doubt it will happen today. 

Today's song will be a bit of a change I guess it was a one hit wonder a while back *in the 60's I think* but it makes me happy. It's called Where do you go to my lovely by Peter Starstedt 

without a doubt you're all i dream about

Well yesterday didn't go quite how I expected it to. I didn't get a call from my recruiter and although things have quieted down on the home front I am still quite antsy to get out there. I haven't run in a couple of days because I pulled a muscle in my thigh so tonight I'm going on my first run this week. It should be interesting. I'm just going to run from my house to the beach and back which is roughly a mile and I'll time it to see how much 2 days can ruin a nice running time. I'm down to 28% body fat which is a loss of 8% from the time when I had to do my ARMS test almost 2 months ago. I've worked really hard on the body fat% but I haven't really lost weight. I can tell the difference though and I mean I feel a lot better physically so that's great.

I'm going to call my recruiter around 1-ish today to check up and see what's going on with everything. I stopped praying to leave a few nights ago and I started praying for whatever needs to happen to happen. I just wanted to give up the worrying because it was taking a toll on me. I'm not prone to panic attacks but my anxiety had been mounting so I just gave up worrying. I don't have to worry about those things because everything will happen when it's meant to.

I'm starting to see a pattern in my days. I work out I watch tv and I spend entirely too much time organizing my itunes. I think my first purchase after I get a chance to buy something will be a new ipod because it didn't make sense to bring mine with me and mine was only 4 gigs. I want a 120 gig one so I can put on movies and whatnot. I have a budget drawn up for when I come home on leave too already. My best friend is the type to plan everything out ahead of time even though we probably will just spend the time at the beach or hanging out at her house. 

I've had a lot of people suggest that maybe the Army isn't for me and that's the reason why I haven't gotten my interview so I want to kind of explain why I'm joining... well re-explain what the military means to me and why I wouldn't do anything else.

To me the best job in the world is helping others. I think that anyone who would give up their lives to help others is a hero and everyone in the military knows that there is the possibility that one day they will be in a position where they could be killed yet I have yet to speak to a military member that would choose to avoid the danger if it meant making the people back home in the states safer. Sacrificing oneself for others is the least selfish thing that a person can manage to do. Now I know that other people are willing to put themselves in harms way and they too are heroes but there's something so grand and fantastic about the military that is so hard to describe. They are professional in the highest degree. There is a very clear cut understanding of your place in the military world and you know that there are always people there for you to go to with problems who care about you and know more than enough to help you get through times that you may otherwise fail yourself in. As a teenage girl I haven't the slightest clue of my place in this world. I know what I want to do someday and I know a couple of the steps to get there but the military is the most fulfilling way to spend my life, that much I am certain of. So although in the past I have been a whiney, selfish, little girl I know I will gain the strength I need from the Army and I know that although not everyone will appreciate the things that the military does that each and every individual in the United States and many around the world will benefit from what the military does and will sleep safely at night because of the bravest men and women in the world. Sorry if it sounds a bit preachy, but it is something I feel very strongly about and I think my friends will understand this much better once they're a little older. Maybe they'll never understand but I know for sure that I will take every moment of my military career and live it to the fullest.

Well I'll step down off my soap box now and go back to what I was doing. I'll post later if there's any good news fron the recruiter :]

Today's song is Vegas by All Time Low... simply because I've listened to it 7 times in a row and I'm still loving it :]

to be continued

Today will be a good day. I've decided and although it's only 8:30, I know I can make it happen.. I think I'm going to stretch and work out for a while and just dedicate today to doing the little things that I need to do. I want to call a bunch of people who I haven't talked to in a while to catch up and make sure I have no loose ends left untied in the hopes that I'll get my interview today. I have laundry to do and I would like to brush up on some of my languages and of course dance. I love dancing so much lately and I danced in front of my younger sister yesterday and she laughed so hard..

so those are the plans for today... hopefully I get all these things accomplished :]

more to come later

dont be so hard on yourself :]

So my blog yesterday wasn't the happiest one I've had. I think I just got bogged down in my negativity and I have regrouped my thoughts and I think I can move back into the excitement of joining the Army. I was really relieved when I got the call from my recruiter and I'm really excited that I will be able to go in as an E-3 instead of an E-1 and I think that means that things are going exceptionally well.

I really do hate that things keep getting pushed back but I do know that it will all happen in the time it's supposed to. I pray every night to be sent to basic when I'm ready so I suppose it's just not time yet. My best friend takes it as it's not meant to be but this really is the path I need to be on.

A lot of things have been going on in the nation recently and the major event that has everyone talking was the inauguration of Obama. I am a Republican through and through but I can appreciate the hope that one man instills in the nation albeit an irrational hope. I think that placing the responsibility of fixing so many things that are mixed up in our nation on one man's shoulder is too much for him to handle. However, Obama seems to be making these promises and going one better. I think that the Guantanamo Bay closing will be amazing for his record if he can do it in the time he promised. I think that setting such short timelines for major events is a result of thinking a bit too much of one's abilities. Yes, he has all the support one would ned to accomplish the tasks he's set ahead for himself, but I think if he had given himself a bit of leeway that he would have less of a chance of turning the American people against him. If he does not accomplish what he's promised then he will have to face letting down millions of people.

I usually reserve my political rants and raves for special occasions but I felt that I should share the very few of the issues I have with our new president right now. I posted a blog on my myspace with slightly more depth as to how I feel and what I feel can and cannot be reasonably accomplish in the time Obama has allotted. I know that my opinions definitely don't match up with many of my friends but I got a discussion started and honestly that's all I could ever ask for.

I've been listening to bands that I've seen live before lately because I think that live music is one of the most amazing experiences you can have. I have performed in innumerable concerts in my life and I've always been an advocate for the arts but the bands I've been listening to are bands that are pop/punk in nature and I've found that one of the best exercises you can do is dance. Now, I'm the first one to admit that when I dance it looks like I'm in need of medical attention but I think it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you have fun. 

I've started talking to some old friends from high school again. I realize time and time again how much I have changed. It's astounding. I was so self involved yet meek when it came to speaking my mind. My selfishness drove away plenty of old friends and even my family at times but I think I've matured enough to lose some of my selfishness. When it comes to speaking my mind I've discovered that I shouldn't be scared anymore. I have always been a very opinionated girl and if I can change a few minds or open up some trains of thought that's all I want.

So this has turned into a rant. Heh. I'm good at that. I'm much happier today and I think I can pick a good song for it.

This band is called The Audition and the song is called Don't Be So Hard.

This band is AMAZING!!!! like I met their lead singer and guitarist because they did an acoustic set at warped tour n St. Pete Florida which is the one I went to. They sound just as good live as recorded and I've included two videos... obviously in the live one though they are crazy into it :]]

I love the Warped Tour and I plan on going to it no matter where I have to travel next summer :]

RECORDED

to whom much is given, much is tested

So I haven't actually updated this in a while. That's because in all honesty nothing's happened. I was supposed to do my interview with the Colonel this past week but there was some idiotic reason behind pushing it back dealing with my MOS etc etc and now I'm stuck waiting.

Meanwhile things have gotten a little worse at home. I just want to leave here now. Like my dad's work is closed for 2 weeks so that's 2 weeks that my family will have to play catch up with for a while after so the sooner I get into the military the sooner I can start sending home money to help out. I know I have issues with my family but at the same time I know there is no deeper bond than blood so I can't turn my back on them.

 

My recruiter called me today to assure me that my interview would be next week. I hope this isn't just pushing it back and trying to get me not to ask questions anymore. As soon as I go back to MEPS I can leave and I want that more than anything. I'm still terrified  of basic and I want to believe that I can do it and at this point I don't have a choice, it's what I want simple as that.

I don't have too much to say otherwise, today has been a very taxing day and I need to rest I'm going to relax for a while.

work it out!

So today has been one of the most physically intense days of my life....  I have been working out for the past 4 hours and I wanted to push to muscle failure to see what "smoking" would be like... needless to say it's not gonna be a fun first week at basic ha... because today is a holiday in Army world I really have nothing to do..which is fine because I've occupied myself pretty well. I mean I've worked out, showered, done a TON of laundry... the usual :]

I also did something unusual today... I practiced my clarinet... back in the day I was an amazing musician that anyone could picture joining a major orchestra after college but I really had to put that aside because although music will always be my drug I am extremely analytical and my calculus teacher said it would be a shame to waste all of that talent and use only one talent of mine. I have been extremely blessed when it comes to intellect and music and I always thought I'd find a way to use them both but I couldn't me a music therapist and the thought of being an orthopedic surgeon is something I can close my ideas and picture and it just feels right. Anyway I practiced and it turns out I still have that natural talent and I love it! It was relaxing to get up and play for a while...

The only thing I was mildly upset about today was the fact that I do a lot around the house... like I mean a TON. I have cleaned my younger sister's room countless times and I organized her closet and dresser and I put away her clothes and clean the bathroom everyday and clean up after everyone but I just don't feel like it makes a difference. I wonder a lot what my mom's going to do without me here because like I moved out and we got along better then I moved back and we fought so then I moved away except this time I didn't talk to her and I went through a long long period of not talking to her... over a month. I only talked to my dad who I'm sure relayed to my mom how I was doing. But after that when things at the place I was living at started going south I started talking to my mom and all she would talk about was the fact that my sisters were driving her crazy and I know that when I got here the bathroom was worse than a truck stop bathroom and my sister's room was disgusting and I don't want the place to go bad again.

My younger sister is going to be joining the Army after she graduates and I sometimes wonder how she's going to be able to handle people screaming at her to do things and having to deal with being perfectly clean and orderly. I mean I have OCD like crazy when it comes to organizing and cleaning so I know that if they say I have to do something a certain way that I will do it that way or it will bug me. ::Sigh:: oh well it's no use worrying about things I won't have any control over. The way things are looking I'll probably be in the middle east before she even starts basic so it won't even matter.

So basically today has been good. I've been talking to my best friend a whole lot and she's excited for me to leave so I can come back and we can finally visit because I haven't seen her since we snuck her into Busch Gardens haha... that's a story for another time completely though. 

Today instead of a song I'll leave you with a video of me at my last job... I worked on Rhino Rally at Busch Gardens... it's long and the jokes are corny but it was all kinds of fun :]

ps. AirmanMom, I didn't get the message :[ I don't know what happened but I checked my email and it wasn't there..

I'm nothing if not thorough

So after getting all excited about my mom and I getting along finally we had a major blow up last night. Something happened along the lines of I talked to my mom about something that was going on physically with me and I assume she believed it meant I wouldn't be able to go into the Army and she got really upset and told me to tell my dad. And honestly it isn't that big of an issue but she didn't get it. So then my younger sister goes outside to my mom and starts crying because I am "ruining her life" because *and I haven't told anyone else this* but I think my mom is compensating for her mistakes with me by letting my sister have whatever she wants. It really upsets me how this kid can lie and go behind my mom's back on so many things and still be forgiven in the next breath when the stuff I endured when I was this kids age was ridiculous. I mean my mother had me sent in for psych evaluation so many times and every time they sent me home the next day saying I was completely normal and my only issue would be some anger with *guess who* my mother. 

So anyway my sister goes to her crying about all this nonsense and about how she thinks that I'm lying about all the delays and how I'm just trying to stay here as long as I can. That's ridiculous. I moved out of my parents house as soon as I could and at a tremendous amount of debt to get away from this kind of stuff and now it's all coming back. However I have my own way of doing things and all that I have done around the house is clean up after everyone else and be polite and respectful but this time when my sister caught my mom I think she spoke some of my mom's own fears.

So last night after 11 pm I called my recruiter. She had said if things got worse to call and I honestly was just going to leave a message because I knew she would be asleep at that point but she woke up and answered. I was crying out of relief that at least one person was there for me when my own family was turning against me. I told her about how things had gotten worse and I didn't know what to do. And half asleep she tells me that she'll call the Captain to see about getting my interview pushed up because of home issues and said that she'll come pick me up and let me hang out in the recruiting office until I have to go to MEPS so I can get a break from being with my mom all day everyday.... which to a girl who is so upset and sick of being bored of everything is truly a blessing. So now it seems like I'll be able to leave next week after all no matter what. I think one day my mom will regret having this blow up with me right before I leave because I know now that once I go to MEPS I'm going to ask to ship right out after I get placed. I know basic is scary and not something that should be used as a get away but this has been my goal for so long now that I just need to see the end of this torture and the beginning of the life where I'll be living out my days I hope.

Most 19 year old girls don't go into the Army thinking it will be a life long thing but I am. I know that this is the type of life I want. I was scared of losing my femininity at first but now I know that won't be a factor. I'll retain my own personality while absolutely relishing in Army standards. I love rules and organization so that is a dream come true.

Last night before I went to bed I prayed for peace and I prayed for my mother and everyone dear to me but lately I've added a few more things to my prayer list. Airmanmom, I pray for you and your continued happiness, I pray for the troops and I pray that the new president will be a capable leader for our troops..

With that being said I have a new song :]

Its the clarinet sonate by Camille Saint Saens and I played it my senior year and absolutely loved it.

in the daylight everywhere feels like home

So I haven't really posted in a few days. Not because I've left and been to MEPS and am super duper happy... no. It's more like "the colonel is just too busy to do your interview." I understand it but it's just getting a bit old... especially after almost 5 months of trying to get into the service. But this is something that I really want and I'm not the type to give up easily. No, I think of this more as a way to get myself into that much better shape before I leave. I think I could defnitely be in much better shape but it's happening again... the dreaded loss of motivation.

I think I should be fine if I keep listening to my recruiter. She has given me a 2 week window of me leaving for basic. Like actually leaving. Not just going back to enlist. My mom and I have been doing surprisingly well. I think it's because my younger sister is utterly disrespectful and I know I actually show respect and gratitude. I mean I'm not perfect but I don't yell at her to shut up or merely "put up" with her. I love my mom and I'm happy that we've been able to get along. I think with the whole 2 week think it may be finally setting in that we don't have much time left. I mean I think it will set in even more when I finish my interview and then again when I get back from MEPS. *she's said that I could come home for a couple of days as long as I have a departure date on a piece of paper haha*

I've been doing toning exercises for my mid section lately to help with the body fat % and honestly I think that's working a lot. That mixed with running and whatnot have really helped me get to where I need to be because for some reason I can't lose actual numbers. I just seem to stay at one point. I know I'll lose weight at basic because when I'm stressed I have a hard time eating and I have a hard time thinking that there is any point when I wont be stressed at basic. That coupled with extreme physical training just sounds good to me. I have years of pent up anger that I need to get out so I can move on.

I'm just listening to music from the punk phase of my life... let's hope it was a phase at least haha

I just love the music and the feeling you get from going to a jam packed basement *we don't have basements in Florida so maybe a living room* and you hear music so happy and genuine...

The song of the day is Daylight by Matt and KIm

I love this song because it just makes me happy and puts me in a good mood no matter what... The video is cute and the two people are just so happy anytime they play together :] I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

these days aren't getting any less than amazing!

So today I learned that I can still be girly. I haven't tried to look cute in a while because I've been so focused on my goal of getting into the Army but for some reason tonight I wanted to be pretty. I wasn't doing anything special, I just had this need. I went to my sister's soccer game and when I got home I took pictures using photobooth on the macbook and I was pleased with the results. I mean I've always known I was a pretty girl. I'm not being conceited I just knew that no matter how bad I felt about how I looked or how much I wished I looked like someone else that people find me pretty.

Tonight was the first time I've felt that in a long time. The best part is I realized it without a guy telling me. I feel like the process of joining the Army has taught me so much about myself and I have a hard time believing that I'll learn even more about myself when I actually go to Basic.

I am just in a state of complete happiness and I'm at a nice place in my life and I'm ready to go in the Army. Tomorrow is my interview with the Colonel and I pray everything goes well.

I talked to my best friend today and she said that she just wants me to go so I can come back. She also gave me a list of "gangster" music to listen to. We used to go places and listen to rap really loud and laugh so hard at the looks people gave us because we're two of the whitest, affluent girls you could imagine and well... people were confused...

That's about all today...

I'll leave you with two things...

This is my favorite picture I took tonight :

and this is the song today:

It's called At the Bottom of Everything by Bright Eyes... I love this band so much just the folky feeling and the fact that none of the guys I've ever dated introduced me to this band so it's my own little piece of me not to mention the words are amazing!

and on to something new

Today I have already worked out and run two miles and I've only been up for 3 hours. I've also been listening to music to make me feel nostalgic. It's a gray rainy day and the wind is kind of chilly but I'm enjoying it. I have spent at least half an hour listening to music and looking at postsecrets and asofterworld images...

for those of you who don't know...

Post Secret  is an ongoing art project where people mail in pictures or post cards with their secrets on them just so they can tell someone how they feel or admit to something they've done... a lot of them are sad or depressing but there are just as many that lift you up or just remind you that you just need to take time to relax and see life for what it is..

like this one:

A Softer World is kind of the same but different in a way. Its a lot darker I suppose but still has amazing photos and lines... my favorite one is the first one I ever read :

I can sit and look at this pictures for hours and sometimes I cry and other times I laugh but it gives me just one moment where I can share another persons emotions or realize that I'm not alone and being a teenaged girl that is one of the most important things to learn.

The Army stuff is still going well. I have one recommendation done and another one almost done. I emailed two teachers and I hope that they can fax in the recommendations on Monday so everything will work out wonderfully. 

Listening to the wind blow through the palm trees I haven't feel this peaceful in a long time and I wish that for all of you today.

The Song of the Day is one that I listened to with an ex-boyfriend of mine... my first love if you will. I have moved on from all of that but this song still makes me feel loved and calm...

Today I got a call... well 3 calls from my recruiter. They were about recommendations which needed to be handwritten and faxed in. I live so far away from where I worked and went to school that this could have been an issue but I already have one recommendation down and another one will be done by the end of tonight. I emailed my high school English teacher and I'm sure he'll come through for me and then my college band director.

That is todays Army update :]

I'm too tired to really write more right now but I do have a song for today...

It's an opera song and I don't know what the words mean really but I do know that it makes me feel amazing

posting too much haha

I reached the Army standards for my body fat %... could today get any better?

song for today 

Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional... it's amazing and happy music

Silly misunderstanding...

I called my recruiter and she isn't moving!!! At least not until this summer. What a relief. She laughed and was like.. I would tell you if I was moving. She helped me calm down and said my interview with the colonel will be on Tuesday! Which means I could go to MEPS on Friday and be leaving at the end of this week! That's so crazy! I just can't believe this good turn of fortune keeps getting better :]

And thanks AirmanMom.. your words calmed me down and helped me out for the hours I had to wait :]

a turn of events..

So I found out last night that my recruiter is moving in two weeks. I didn't find this out from my recruiter however, I found out from my younger sister who's recruiter was my recruiter's husband. At this point I really don't know what to do. I mean she didn't even tell me and I don't know if it was because she just doesn't want to deal with me anymore, or if it's because something came up in my background that might prevent me from joining the Army *although that's impossible* or even if it's because she didn't want me to be distracted. No matter what it is I'm wondering if that's the reason that it's taken so long for me to get in touch with the colonel. I'm going to call her at 9 when she should be just getting into the office... I'm really upset and slightly hurt by this but I'm going to get to the bottom of it and update this when I know more...

until then...

i'm here with you

Today has gone pretty well. I woke up and decided that today was going to be a good day and so far so good. I woke up, scrambled two egg whites and went for a run. I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes which means my second mile is getting faster... and later I want to run a mile at full speed to see how I'm doing. I ate a lean cuisine meal for lunch and it's having a hard time staying down... I didn't really enjoy it at all so that's no surprise.. I decided to start doing two work outs a day so I can go into basic with some semblance of physical fitness. 

Today I was stretching and I looked at my legs and I realized that just a few months ago they were flabby and gross and now I can see my muscles *and thanks to Anatomy I can name them too :]* In about an hour I'm going to lift some weights and do lunges, push ups, and sit ups. I'm insanely excited about working out and knowing that I only have to lose an inch in my hips before I make body fat%. I mean I would love to see the number on the scale even lower but I know that will happen at basic. I couldn't possible work myself harder than ever before for 2 months straight and not lose at least a few pounds :]

The Army wants me to be 145 pounds which means that I need to lose 20 by the end of the year and I know that won't be a problem and hopefully once I'm in Army standards I won't be the same girl I am now... promising to lose 5 pounds to be happy with myself.

I have a friend who I went to high school with and I've been giving him advice and answering all kinds of questions for him about the Army because he wants to join and that gives me a really good feeling in myself so I think that I will definitely be doing the home town recruiting thing.. basically what it is is you go to your recruiters office after you're done with BCT and AIT and you work with them for 2 weeks and that doesn't count for your leave but you get  to stay with your family and have weekends off which is amazing for me because I'll spend the nights with my family and I definitely want to go to Disney World with them. 

I have also realized that I have a lot of debt. Mainly accrued from bad decisions that I've made but from what I understand the Army has debt counseling and can consolidate the debt and help you manage it. I think that will really help me out because I want to start fresh and learn how to be an adult instead of a kid playing house at college. Hopefully I'll be debt free by the time I start med school in 2025 ish... man that seems far away haha. 

The song for today is Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin

It makes me happy and toady is another happy day

 

good day

I finally have good news! I just got off the phone with my recruiter and she said that the colonel is out of the office today but that he should get to me by the end of the week. I'm really excited. After this interview I will be okayed to go back to MEPS and I don't think I'll even have to worry about the ARMS test because I've lost weight and my body fat % right now is 32% so I only have to lose 2% before I'm good to go. 

Since starting this whole ordeal I've lost a total of 25 pounds and 7 inches in my waist.. I was pretty impressed with myself. 

I also talked to my recruiter about being able to leave for basic from my second trip to MEPS she said normally it took a couple of days until you could ship out but that if things got too bad at home that I could call her and she would figure out some way to help me. I swear that my recruiter is the answer to all of my prayers about the military. She has done so much for me that I've never heard of any other recruiter doing. She trusts me and knows that things have been rough in my past and that all I need is a second chance.

My mom and I have been getting along pretty well lately. Today we cleaned the house together and took down all the Christmas decorations and the tree. She's in a good mood but I know it's only so long before I do something without thinking and upset her. I'm just going to be as good as I can for this last little stretch because I know that my mom will think much higher of me when I come back from basic. 

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm some little girl from the streets who's been reformed. I've never wanted for anything, my parents kept me in expensive clothes and I got good grades but my mother and I just clashed a lot and continue to because I was never really honest with her when I lived with her.  She doesn't trust me that much but I think that this change will bring us closer and I really don't want to have any strife with us before I go.

So today has been a good news day! I'm crazy excited and I'm really happy. I'm gonna go on a long run tonight :]

The weather out today is amazing too. Sunny and at least in the low 70's so its nice outside... even though there are pretty intense wind gusts. Oh well nothing can blow away this amazing mood. 

The song for today is called Bruises and it's by Chairlift... happy fun music that makes me smile real wide and think that nothing can go wrong... eventually i'll show the range of music i like but this one is perfect for me mood :

I'm not upset, just impolite

I have been so frustrated lately over my recruiter giving me the run around but I have though and prayed about it and I honestly think that something good will happen today. I'm going to blog this then eat my lunch then go ahead and call my recruiter to see if she has any news and apologize for being so persistent. I don't think I'll stop calling every day because honestly this is something that I want very badly and although things are okay between my mother and I right now it is literally a matter of time before we get into a fight where she demands that I leave the house and I have to go on a run until my dad gets home to calm her down. 

I just want to start my life again. I feel like I've been on pause for the past 4 months and although I've been working myself hard etc. I feel like I've been doing nothing with my life for so long. It really is hard to sit here and wait it out but I'll take AirmanMom's advice *thanks :]* and just relax and pray about it. 

Hopefully I'll have a more informative blog when I get done with my call.

I keep listening to this song so I feel like I should share it.. its actually a sad song but it's just such a good song

disappointment

I called my recruiter and still no results yet... I just want to get this interview done so I can go to basic already. I'm sick of waiting and I'm starting to feel like nothing's going to happen...

that's about it..

sorry it's so depressing but that's how i'm feeling right now..

I'll write more tomorrow

nobody ever had a dream round here but i dont really mind that it's starting to get to me

It's not often that I get to talk about personal triumphs on here but I finally went out and did something about the feelings I have for the guy I mentioned in my last post. I told him how I felt*Thanks for giving me that final push mudpuppy!* and he said that he had felt the same way for a while and although we aren't going to do anything about our feelings it's good to just know that I have someone who I'm crazy about and the feeling is mutual. He's going to write me while I'm away of course and when I get home from everything then we'll see how things go. I didn't want any titles with this guy. I mean I'm going to need to be focused on my training and I really can't be distracted by boys anymore. I've given up a ton of opportunities because of guys in the past and I would prefer not to worry about what he's doing at school and clearly he won't have to stress out about me being with any guys since from what I hear that is definitely not allowed at basic. 

So I'm really excited about that and I think I may have my 2 miles under the final AFPT time and I mean if I'm at that now I can only go down in time. I've found that running isn't really a tool of torture but it's a way for me to release my stress and doubts and really clear my mind. I guess it's a runner's high and I never thought that I would be someone to experience it. I  talked to my friend Nick about it because he's going to be  doing a triathlon this spring/summer and he's running a lot too; his first love is his bike but it's the same idea. I can also do a bunch more pushups than the zero when I started :] sit ups I'm not really worried about I can do 35 in a minute easily and I hate them so I prefer to not worry about them until I get to basic. 

I'm really excited about losing all the weight I put on during my first year of college. They say it's supposed to be the freshmen 15 but I like to do things big so I put on 30 pounds... It's terrible and I've lost 20 of those pounds already.. I really can't believe I've done that in the past couple of months but it's the truth. So basically I know that I'll be under my graduating weight when I get out of training which will be nice. I'll be better on the inside and out and I'll have a new family to boot. You really can't beat that.

Monday is when my recruiter promised to call me so I could do my interview... I'm going to try to ship out when I go back to MEPS because honestly I've been working so hard at everything and I really just don't want to stop working or get downtrodden anymore. Then when I go to basic there will definitely be a lull in this blog for a couple of months but I plan on keeping a journal and not editing anything so when I get use of a computer again I'll share my ups and downs with you the reader.

I plan a lot ahead of time and I end up jinxing myself a lot so I'll stop while I'm ahead here.

My title is the beginning of a song called Sam's Town by The Killers..I want to share my likes and dislikes of music and books with you so here...

This is that song :]

so this is the new year...

Last night was all kinds of boring. I stayed up late and watched the ball drop but I wasn't with friends and I didn't get my midnight kiss. I learned a few things about myself though.

I was pretty scared that I had lost the capacity to love someone romantically after being in some pretty messed up relationships, ones that my parents don't even know the extent of. I found out last night that I have fallen for someone. What an inconvenient time for this to happen huh? I mean I'm about to leave for basic and I can't even tell this guy that he's everything that I could want in a guy. We stayed up talking the entire night and I mean from around 3 in the afternoon until 1 AM (1500-0100 :]_) and he was the guy who wished me happy new year first and I think that made me realize how much I truly care for him. We talk every day but he still worries that he's gonna miss getting to say goodbye to me before basic and has sworn that he'll right me. We've never had anymore than a friendship but in the time since we've met and been talking he has not had a girlfriend and I can't seem to keep a boyfriend because no matter what, he's always there for me and I know in the back of my mind that he is one of my best friend who I'll never be able to shake...

The next thing I learned is how utterly resilient I am. I was thinking about this time last year. I couldn't remember where I was on New Years Eve.... and it really bothered me. I knew I didn't go to a party or anything but then I went to watch the bowl games that were on today and the Sun Bowl was on. I was in the marching band for USF last year and we went to that bowl.We lost and were cold and had to get on a plane right after the game ended and the pilot told us when it reached midnight in Tampa. We didn't actually get home til 0200 that morning though. That plane ride brought me to the new year and to all the issues I've had this year. I mean my grandmother died, I wanted to die, I lost all my friends from college, I moved home, got kicked out, was homeless for two months and ended up having to quit my job at Busch Gardens to move in with my older sister who then turned out to be a huge bitch and ended up right back in with my parents.... I have made it through all that and I'm tough to the point where I can work through anything that comes my way but not too tough to where I won't let anyone in.

I am hoping that on January 5th everything will fall into place. I called my recruiter to ask her about the interview and she said that they were in and out of the office so much that it's best to just wait to do it until then. My only issue is the stupid ARMS test. There is no way I'm gonna lose 12 pounds before I go back to MEPS but I have lost a few pounds in the past few days so maybe I can make it happen. If I don't get down to the weight I need to be then I have to re-do that ARMS test. My recruiter told me if I was still at the same body fat % that I wouldn't have to take it but still I just don't know if that's true because from what I've read if I don't get back to MEPS within 30 days of the ARMS test then I have to take it again but I don't know if that includes weekends and holidays... if it doesn't then I'll get back in time for sure.

Anyway thats the update on my life. I'm going to try to blog more regularly again so that I can get all of my thoughts out of my head before I leave for Basic so I can go in with a clear head ready to learn how to be a better me. I hope everyone had a wonderful night and an amazing new year!