Thursday, February 26, 2009

good news :]

So I think things are back on the right track. I talked to my recruiter today and she said that my packet is on the Colonel's desk! Yay! Which means that when he's back in the office on Tuesday I should be getting my interview! I am completely elated by this fact and I know it took a bit of a harsh method to get to this point but I am happy to finally possibly be within reach of my interview and the beginning of my life. 
To celebrate I am cooking my family a nice dinner of grilled chicken and rice and I'm putting a plate aside for my mom so she can have a nice dinner when she gets home. She's been getting home around 7:30/8 lately and going to bed at 9 so I think the more I can do to help the better.
My sister on the other hand... she has decided she hates me. I can accept the fact that she might be upset that I have been up here for longer than expected. I told her very clearly last night that I am not buying into her petty games anymore. I don't have the want or need for strife in my family and she is 18 now and legally an adult. I am not her maid and I told her that as well. I haven't talked to her in a couple of days. I know that time heals all wounds though so I'll be fine.
Today has been a complete success :] In about an hour I'll start dinner and I think that everything will work out. 
Also I have gotten my mile time down even more and my weight is going down more every day :]

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

waiting part 12.349254

So, today has been anything but good. I woke up and my mom went off on me about the fact that I am still waiting for my interview. That was fine. I needed the push I guess because I went to drastic measures and I called the Navy recruiter today to see about whether they could ship me out any sooner than the Army knowing full well that this will get back to my recruiter who was not pleased at all. I had to explain to her about the fact that I have heard nothing but "next week" for over 2 months and that I can't wait anymore. My dad lost his job and I am seriously a financial burden right now. So I told my recruiter all of that and she said she would call up there to get my interview moved up but I don't plan on just accepting that and moving on. I have an interview set for 10 AM on Friday at the Navy offices and if I don't have a definite time for my interview or complete the interview before then I'm going to take the meeting. This has turned into an absolute nightmare and all of my friends are telling me that I shouldn't even do the military but now it's really what I want and I'm not willing to take no for an answer. I am thinking about getting the Colonel's name so I can call him myself and ask him for my interview and explain my personal circumstances. I understand I am 1 in 600 people who need an interview but I think that I would be an easy one. I am not willing to take "next week" as an answer anymore and I think my stubborn attitude and extremely careful tact will see me through this. If not then I have a very nice Petty Officer waiting to meet me. He seemed to think that everything would be expedited much quicker through the Navy. I have lost so much weight and 10% body fat. I did not come this far to be pushed aside. 
Also just a little bit ago a debt collector called about me. They said that I had not made any contact about paying a debt and the man who I talked to was extremely rude when I explained that I was going into the service and that as soon as I have the means I will begin paying my debt. Some people just are not meant to work where they have to talk.
So right now I am very determined to get things going. I am inspired and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get into the military and succeed. That's basically all..

Friday, February 20, 2009


So this is just a quick update on things. I called the Battalion Commander today and she said that she would personally call the colonel to make sure that my interview is one of the first. Turns out they have over 600 interviews to do and although I went to MEPS at the very beginning of December there are people who went to MEPS even longer ago than myself. I am okay with the waiting. I did something weird to hurt my right wrist but I've been wrapping it and icing it so it should be better soon. Until it's better though I can't do push-ups which is pretty sad but I will get through it. My body fat is still falling so I am so far out of the woods as far as Army standards are concerned. For some reason my actual weight hasn't dropped that much but I suppose that will happen at basic. 

So all of my patience seems to be working out. I have finished three books in two days and I'm working on my third. Today I printed out the Harvard top 100 novels list and I realized I have read a lot of them and I am going to work on finishing up some more while I wait. 

Well that's all for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :]

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

where were you?

So I haven't posted in a while. If you thought I had finally made it to basic then you may be disappointed to hear that I still haven't gotten my interview. Apparently my packet is sitting on the colonel's desk so as soon as he decides to read it and call me I'll be heading out. At this point I'm kind of thinking about the fact that if I had stuck with the Air Force I probably would already be in but I am really proud of the fact that I have stuck with the Army although things have not been going in my favor lately.
So how have I been passing my time? I have been focusing on my faith. I have been reading books and meditating and praying. Through this I have attained a peace within and I feel that everything will go exactly as it's supposed to. This is the most comforting thing I could ask for. Also thanks to my new found inner peace I have been able to help 2 friends in very different situations but who both needed guidance. 
Faith has always been a hard thing for me to deal with. I don't enjoy discussing it, not because I might be ridiculed but because it is the most private part of me and I feel that it should stay that way. I have opened up completely to my friend Nick and because of that we have started connecting on a deeper level. We are both Catholic and Conservative so a lot of my beliefs overlap with his but the differences are enough to keep us talking for hours. I have never before found it so comfortable to discuss my personal relationship with God and I wonder if that was the final obstacle that I had to pass before I could move on with my life.
I have matured more than I thought possible. While my friends spend their days gossiping and stabbing each other in the back I pray to leave so I might help the country and find my place in this world. All I've ever wanted to be is a success and I feel that if I try as hard as I can I will succeed in anything I try.
I stopped exercising for about a week now. I don't know why but I found that my spiritual fitness was more important. I think I'll run tomorrow to make sure my legs still work though :lol: I have continued to lose weight and body fat and I am finding it more easy to love myself now that I am finally having things shape up.
My recruiter called today to let me know that she expects the interview to be this week. I certainly hope so as I feel that I have overstayed my welcome here. Although, things have been going well between my parents and myself, I feel that is only because I gave them my tax refund check which was for almost 1000 dollars. It's the least I can do though. I go to work with my mom some days so she doesn't have to work so hard and I know she won't yell at me as long as I am helpful and quiet. Today I cleaned the whole house again and changed out everyone's bed sheets. I feel the best when I can help others. 
The only qualm I have with anything is the fact that my younger sister who is going to be 18 on Friday does nothing around the house. I even clean her room and put her clothes away. I think she has a sense of entitlement because she has a job but when I started working the day of my 16th birthday instead of having a party I'm no inclined to feel sorry for her. I worked every single day during my junior and senior year and maintained a 5.97 GPA where there is a possibility of her failing. I don't like to compare myself to her but it's hard when I'm picking up her slack every day and I have to carefully put away her clothes and she'll yell at me if I don't.
Okay rant over.
I have a song of the day!!
It's the new The Fray song, "You Found Me"
It's amazing!

Monday, February 9, 2009

a couple of days

So I just talked to my recruiter and it turns out I won't be getting my interview for another couple of days. So it looks like I'll be going to MEPS next Monday and I am going to try my hardest to leave from there. Things are not going so well for my family financially now so I hope that I can get in sooner than later because once I'm earning money I will be sending a few hundred home every month. I mean I have my own debts that need to be handled but I can do that and help out my family so I don't see why I shouldn't help. 
I started a detox program today so I don't get sick when I leave, especially if I happen to get sent to Ft. Leonardwood instead of Ft. Jackson. The detox program is pretty intense though, you drink lemon water all day and you don't eat anything. It's supposed to last one week but I'm going to do it for as long as I can which I honestly think will be less than that. Either way it works for me. I just hope that I can stick with it with my sister bringing home all kinds of McDonalds food haha
I have been talking to my best friend about leaving a lot more lately. Im really nervous about it but a good nervous like I used to be before a performance. I know this is what I need in my life and I am willing to wait a few more days :]

Friday, February 6, 2009


So finally I have everything completed aside from this interview which was promised to happen on Monday. So from what I can gather I'll have my interview on Monday and then go to MEPS Wednesday and come home Thursday night and hopefully leave the following Monday.
I hope that this is really it. I have been praying for this to happen for such a long time and I think finally I am prepared. I have been focusing on the exercises I'll be doing in Basic and I know that I will be able to run my mile easily and also do those 3 push ups without any problems. Sit ups still hurt once I get past 15 but it's nothing that a weekend of maxing out my muscles can't cure :]
I am so happy about this. It has been a long journey to this point and I know that I am doing this for the right reasons and that everything will work out. I think I've explained this before but I have been doing housework around here in exchange for my room and board. I have just scrubbed the house top to bottom and I am very pleased with the results, I can only hope that my mother notices it. She hasn't been feeling well lately and she had to work tonight so I thought it would be nice for her to come home to a nice clean house. 
I also haven't cried in a while. I have had plenty of reasons to, however I have been trying my hardest to hold back tears when I'm upset. I don't want to look like I'm weak and I know that as soon as a big scary man starts yelling at me I'll break down so fast but for now I feel like I stand a semi-chance ha.
Okay well that's about it. I'll have a lot more details Monday so until then...
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

good news

So I have been doing a lot of things lately that have prevented me from posting but I finally have good news. Turns out I just needed one more recommendation. I have been in contact with my high school guidance counselor who has been so nice even though I have to email her 5 times before I remember to attach the forms she needs to use for the recommendation ha. My recruiter told me that as soon as I have this recommendation they'll do my interview and then I can go to MEPS! 
I am excited because that means I'll be leaving soon. I am also getting more into the scared part of leaving. I know I'll miss my family but I've been away from them before. I am so scared of not being able to keep up physically and having to go to the camp for people who can't pass the initial fitness test. I think I'm most scared that I will not be able to pass that test that it's freezing me up. I mean I know I can do 3 push ups and 17 situps easily. Although I know that my usual mile time is about 6 minutes 20 seconds I am terrified that I wont run fast enough to complete my mile in 10:30. 

I think all of my worries are just poking up their ugly heads. I can't even eat because I'm in anxiety mode and I know that sounds really bad seeing as I will be helping save soldiers lives up at the front lines but I am calm in cool in situations that I know some about. Everything I've read about basic training was written after the fact and I know that everyone I've talked to said they had a blast at basic training looking back on it.

I am taking deep breaths and I am getting pumped and I think I'll start running one mile twice daily to get my time as low as I can. Channeling my worried energy into positive :]
I'll keep this more updated now.

Monday, February 2, 2009


Okay so on facebook and myspace they have a 25 things game where you tell 25 things that no one knows about you... i figured i'd share this one with you

25 Random Things 

1. I fell of my bike in 8th grade and gouged out most of the skin a tissue on my elbow. There's still a scar there and an old man with a dog named Oreo had to walk me up to my house because I thought that I had just scraped it. In reality it was so deep and wide I couldn't have stitches.

2. When I was younger I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. I mean from when I was able to say Marine Biologist until I moved to North Carolina in 5th grade. I obsessed about it and studied up on so many different sea creatures and the only camp I ever wanted to go to was Sea Camp but it was too expensive.

3. In my middle school we didn't have the wheel. You chose your instrument before you began band and if you didn't like it too bad. I chose clarinet because all of my friends who I played softball with were going to play the clarinet. That is the worst reason for one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

4. I am over-analytical and I don't really live in the here and now. I've heard this makes for a great doctor but it makes for a very strained relationship with my mother.

5. Up until my junior year of high school I let other people decide what I should be like. I always modeled myself after my friends because I never knew how to act. The reason why I stopped is because I had lost sight of who I wanted to be and then I tried to be who I thought I was at that point. I'm 19 now and I still have no clue who I really am but I'm finally enjoying the search.

6. Softball got me through some really hard times. I moved a lot growing up and the only way I could make friends was through sports. I was always the smartest kid in my classes until middle school and the teachers would single me out. Turns out no one really likes to be compared to one of their peers and aren't very friendly to said peer.

7. When I was really little I remember I would hit in the clothes racks at stores and hope that my mom would worry about me. This probably was because I was jealous of my little sister. That's the only time I've been jealous of her.

8. I was essentially homeless for 2 months this past summer. It taught me a lot about the kindness of others and made me realize how hopelessly fucked up my life was. My parents thought the best change for me would me to go into the military, it makes sense because I loved the militaristic attitude of marching band.

9. I cling to the friends I have now because the friends I made in college are all gone. I mean every last one of them. The friends I have left were my close friends in high school who I didn't alienate when I went off to college and some who I did. I wouldn't trade the few good friends I have for the multitudes of "cool" friends I had during my freshman year of college.

10. I am artsy fartsy. People don't know this because I'm not very talented when it comes to visual expression. I love to sketch and paint and blend oil pastels. I also love to dance although I would never dream of taking classes because I feel like I'd be starting too late.

11. The most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life was to be the drum major of my high school band my junior year. That was one of the hardest years of my life and I missed my AP Chemistry test that year because my mom sent me away for psychiatric evaluation (bet you didn't know that one) and the only time I felt truly happy was conducting the band at FBA and knowing that for approximately 7 minutes of my life I could let go. I know a lot of people disliked me and my leadership but I also know that there was no animosity that night, only happiness.

12. I used to keep secrets because I'm afraid, no, I know people will judge me. Truth be told it has taken me a lot to become the semi-well adjusted person I am now. I refuse to keep secrets now because I feel that if I'm open and honest with people then they will return those sentiments. I am not naive enough, however, to believe that it will work.

13. I am amazing at rock band. In fact I am amazing at anything that requires competition. This is because I have the competitive drive of a champion. I was raised thinking that the only way my parents would be happy with me is if I made good grades and did well in whatever I tried. Because of this I play many instruments proficiently, am a talented athlete, and read the New York TImes every morning to keep up with the world. I did not join the academic team because I didn't want to spend every day studying to keep up.

14. I am terrified of water at night. I get physically ill if faced with it. This is because when I was younger I fell into a pool of tepid water and went under and at that age the fear of something is really instilled in you. I will go to the beach at night but I don't walk too close to the water.

15. I am a very anxious person and paranoid to boot. I bit my nails down to the quick and I need to stop that because not only is it unsightly it is unsanitary. Every time I try to stop though I end up restarting all over again.

16. I don't think I'll ever be thin enough to feel okay about my body. When I was about 10 my mom started commenting about my weight. She still hasn't stopped.

17. I have more love than I know what to do with and I plunge headfirst into any relationship I start. If I make a new friend I feel the need to make them a best friend, if I start dating someone I am so adoring it's annoying. I need to focus this love on myself but that's the hardest thing to do.

18. I made the Alabama All State Orchestra my freshman year. It's because when I play the clarinet solo at the end of A Night on Bald Mountain I cry. They video tape auditions instead of just using audio tape and I had someone at all state come up to me and ask why I cried when I played the solo. I can't say that I know why at all. 

19. I was once an atheistic intellectual until I realized that intellect and denying a deity don't have to go hand in hand. I don't want to feel alone and with my religion I never am.

20. I think constantly. It's a problem. My thoughts are so jumpy and rarely do I make segues that make sense to anyone but me. Luckily, I met Rebecca Smith my sophomore year and befriended her junior year. She can keep up with my thoughts and political prattle and we used to make jokes about things that no one else around us had even heard about. I treasure our candid conversations because they could make any think tank jealous.

21. I don't know why but anytime I want something to happen I bargain with everything for it. It's hard to explain but I'll think. If this happens then everything will be okay. Last night it was for the Cardinals to get a safety so I'd get my interview this week. It doesn't always work but it calms me down.

22. Sports are one of the few ways I can connect with my dad. I love my dad so much that I would do anything to be able to talk to him for more than a minute. This is a big reason why I started playing sports at such a young age and also the reason why I started watching ESPN all the time.

23.I love my mom. I hate the relationship we have. I have disappointed her and lied to her so many times and I know eventually I'll make it up to her. I just hope it's not too late.

24. I am not afraid of being deployed. I actually look forward to it. I know that it is an unavoidable experience that many will never experience and I relish things like that. I am nervous about all of the carnage that I will inevitably see but I also know that the bonds I form with my comrades will be the closest bond I will ever make.

25. This is the most open I've been on something that can be read by people who don't know me all too well. At the end of it I feel better than I have in a while.

On the Army front: I called my recruiter and she was out to lunch so I should get a call back within the hour. I'm praying so hard and focusing my nervous energy on cleaning my sister's room which for an 11 year olds is suprisingly gross haha