Monday, December 29, 2008
Last night I got into a fight with my parents... maybe fight isn't the right word. More like all of my frustration from the Army pushing my dates back on me is finally starting to catch up with me and it doesn't take much to set me off lately. Usually when I'm upset I just go for a run and it all melts away like sweat even though I really feel like I should be working on my sit ups and push ups more. Monday is the day that I'm hoping to finally do my interview and I still don't know if my ARMS test will be invalidated because of the time that's past or if it will still count because I would already be in MEPS if it weren't for the holidays. With New Years Eve on Thursday I just want to get this stuff over with witout having to do the ARMS test again because I don't know if I could do it without the motivation that the nurse who gave it to me last time provided. I guess I'll just have to ask my recruiter about it when I call her today. They said it would take me at least 4 months to lose the amount of body fat I was over healthily... so I really don't feel like waiting 4 months.
On a completely different topic, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I am an avid reader. For Christmas all I got were books.. haha. I just love reading. I read MASH on Christmas day and I loved it! Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I love the movie and TV series as well. Yesterday I recieved a book I had ordered in the mail called My War by Colby Buzzell. I'm sure anyone who reads military blogs has heard all about him and quite frankly it's his blog that made me want to start my own. When I started reading his book I really connected with the fact that his life was going nowhere. I mean my post high school life was going nicely enough for a short time. I took classes, college was free, I moved out of my parents house. But things always fall apart and for him he wanted to do something "fun" for a couple of years and although I plan on being in the Army for a very long time, I still have that same longing to go into the war zone and get my hands dirty so to speak. I'm going to be a combat medic and although the idea of being in a hospital stateside administering sponge baths sounds like a dream come true, not, I would much rather be out there learning new techniques and helping save lives. I want to get into a good medical school and most of the other people my age who are trying for the same thing are out there doing research and shadowing docotors in their chosen specialty so I really should have something to put on my resume to show that I didn't waste my time by not applying for internships etc.
Another thing that's been on my mind lately is my family. With the economy the way it is I feel truly awful that I've been mooching off of them for so long. So to rectify this situation I'm going to be sending them part of my pay each month. Only a couple hundred dollars but still enough to help them out with bills which they are falling behind on and to give my youngest sister *who's 11* some of the same opportunities I had at her age. I was a prodigous musician and I went to all sorts of camps and weekend music festivals and played whenever I got a chance and I would think that she would like to go to a music camp or maybe even a soccer camp since she's been playing soccer forever. When I was in middle school my mom pulled every string for me and to this day she'll remind me that in 8th grade 2nd semester I was on 2 softball teams* rec league and travelling*, my school's soccer team, a soloist in jazz band, a singer in the elite singing group for the school, in regular band, and she kept me in the best clothes without missing a beat. I don't see why my sister can't look back in 10 years and say the same things about her middle school years. Of course nowadays its more about the technology instead of the sports but it doesn't matter to me as long as she's happy.
Well that's honestly about all I have to say so far today. I have a head cold that I can't shake and I'm hoping and praying for my interview and a quick trip to MEPS so wish me luck!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
fresh snow on the suburbs
staying at my parents
it hasn't been a good year
but things are all right here
sleeping in the spare room
that used to be my bedroom
even though I'm home now
I feel completely homeless
I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights
walking round the basement
where my band used to practice
sometimes I don't want to make new friends
sometimes I just miss my old friends
but I'm seeing someone new now
she calms my heart down
but I'm too scared to tell her
how crazy I can get sometimes
I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights
I never feel better after I cry
I spent 6 months of my life just wanting to die
I'm learning how to be alone without be lonely
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind
I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights
that song really gets to me ... actually a lot of songs are getting to me lately... as the army grows nearer and nearer im forced to think back to what i'm leaving behind. because i'm up here in tally, i don't have the same goodbyes to say. I've done that already. It's more the mourning of my innocent ignorant life that I led. I've lost quite literally all of my college friends. They left for a few different reasons. I went into a funk when my grandma died and then I just got to a low point and I didn't know how to tell people what was going on. Maybe they just weren't that great of friends in the first place or maybe I really fucked it up on my own. Either way it's hard to look back at my days at USF and know that no one there thinks about me anymore or even cared enough to try to break through the wall I put up. Anyone who knew me in high school saw me at my very best and worst day in and out. They accepted my bitchiness that came from Matt being an ass and accepted when I was really happy and crazy. I don't know what makes my high school friends different from my college friends. Maybe it's familiarity, maybe it's the fact that they are real friends. All I know is that I can't think about my college friends without wanting to cry. I mean I got into a ton of fights with my very best friends in high school and I could still go crying to them when I needed it. Even to this day, I haven't seen people in almost a year and they still stay in touch and keep me motivated and they even are willing to write to me to cheer me up while I'm in the army. I don't get it. I miss my old life anytime I stop to think about it but I know that this new life I'm going into will be better and I will take my closest friends with me as well and that they will be there for me even when I do the unthinkable.
The only friend from college that I lost that really hurts me when I think about it is my friend Tony. i love that kid more than anything and I try to keep in touch with him and let him know what I'm doing and I know that he replaced me a long time ago and that he's busy but I still think back to all the all county things and fow and football games we shared and I think to how he put up with me even when I was bitchy and how we were just amazing friends and maybe it was too much to have be implode on him but I guess it's good that I lost him at this point instead of later on when I really really needed him.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
To help you out with the reading of this I am 19, My older sister from my mom's first marriage is Michelle she's 23 and has stolen my identity and money countless times but I can't prove anything. Kyrsten is 17 and Mackenzie is 11. Happy Reading
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
today i plan on going on a nice 2 mile run. I'm going to push myself and see how fast I can finish it so I know how much time I have to shave off so I can pass the physical test in basic. I feel like if I'm in the best shape before basic then I'll have more time to focus on what their trying to instill in me. I know I'm going to be broken down to the point where I question why I even decided to be in the Army but I also know that the instructors will then build me up to be the strongest person I have ever been and honestly that is all that I want right now. The chance to be strong and do something that matters.I could still be at USF right now partying and getting my degree but honestly I don't think that I could have lasted much longer doing what I was doing.
I tend to babble sometimes to my parents about my plans and I can tell they don't believe me right now. I understand this because I never really proved myself to be anything other than an extraordinarily intelligent screw up. I want to prove myself and prove to myself that I can make something of myself. That's so important. That and I love my country. I don't want to get up on a soapbox but I honestly do love the United States.
It's so weird to go from not saying the pledge in high school to having this level of patriotism, but I think that when you're life is as messed up as mine was and you go soul searching you find out a lot about yourself. I have been a leader most of my life but as soon as I entered college I lost my need to lead because I didn't know what I was doing. I should have gone my own way and figured it out that way I could claim my mistakes myself instead of realizing that if I hadn't spent so much time worrying about what people think then I wouldn't have made some of the choices. It's okay though, they're still my mistakes and for once in my life I'm going to own up to them.
I have a crazy amount of debt to my name for someone who didn't take out loans. There's a lot of discrepancies as well on my credit report such as utility payments and a 20,000 college loan from when I was 12. I'll take this moment to explain that the only person who could have done something like that would be my older "sister" and to reemphasize the fact that as soon as I'm stationed at a base out of training that I will figure this enigma out.
We'll that's about all for today. I ned to get some sort of breakfast food into me then I'm grabbing a watch and going on the lovely run.
Friday, December 19, 2008
I put on 2 pounds somehow this week. I don't like how much I weigh because I'm over the Army's limit and although I have my waiver already for being "overweight", I just thought it would be nice to be able to go into basic without having to worry about my weight. As of now it looks like I'll end up at the fat camp with a diet tray. Not that I'm opposed to the opportunity to get in better shape before I go to basic but I really want to get started on earning my rank.
So today I feel fat and like I've motivated myself for nothing. It's just a hard day. Everyone has them. I don't want to do this blog and pretend like my life is better than it actually is because I want to live the Army Core Values one of which is honesty.Although in bearing my soul I really hope that no one takes anything I say personally.
Today I watched a documentary called Iraq for sale. It's about the privatization of the work done in Iraq and how private contract companies are exploiting the American people. Although something like this would have caused me to be extremely offended a couple of years ago now I think that people should just accept the fact that things need to be done over in the Middle East. The troops over there can't be expected to carry out their missions *and* build their homes and bases even though they have done that and continue to do that.
I've started reading military blogs by people over in the MIddle East to get an unbiased view of what's going on over there. It's extremely interesting and if any of you are curious the site is www.milblogging.com.
I talked to my grandma today. It was nice. They're getting a lot of snow up in the Northeast and she doesn't have to work today which is good for her.
Okay that's all I have to say.. hopefully I'll have a better attitude tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
So I get to my recruiters office and they sit me down and explain about the fact that the doctors at MEPS are going to try everything in their power to DQ(disqualify) you. So that got me a little nervous but they explained everything and had me do two test runs to make sure I wouldn't be too nervous. The bus came to pick me up at around 11 ish (and by bus I mean a huge Dodge Durango) I had to sit up front because I was the only girl and there were two other people in the car with me, one going for the Marines and the other for the Army. Introductions were made and the key questions of the experience were asked; What are you going into? and What's your MOS( military occupational skills). Easy to answer but some people are still unsure of what they want to do until they sit down with their branch liason. So we were halfway to Georgia to pick up another kid when we got a call that we had left someone behind. So arrangements were made to where the kid would be taken to Valdosta to be picked up by the other shuttle. We went back and got the forgotton boy who was shipping out to the Coast Guard boot camp.(Incidentally I found out that the Coast Guard is the most selective of all branches and takes 24 people per term.) So then we were off to Jacksonville. It was a long car ride and the CG boy was keeping us all entertained and we just chatted about life.
When we finally got to the hotel *around 2* we had to sign a paper saying that while we were at the hotel that we would not do certain things *such as drink or do drugs* we also had to be in our rooms by 10. Apon signing the paper the very disgruntled man behind the counter handed over the key and explained we'd have to show the MEPS envelope they key was in to get the dinner and breakfast buffet.
So I went to my room. It smelled terrible! But I turned on the heat and sprayed my hairspray around to get the smell out. So I called my parents to let them know I was alive and in Jacksonville and at that point it was only about 3 so I had nothing to do for two hours. I decided I should walk down to an organic food store that I had seen but when I went to leave my roommate showed up. She was nice and going into the Army as well. It was her second time to MEPS so all she had to do was go for a consult and then sign her papers. She was nice and asked if I wanted to go to steak and shake to get something to eat. I hadn't eaten all day so I was definitely for that. We went talked a little and got our food to bring back to the hotel. From there she got on her phone and talked for like an hour while I ate and then watched Date my Mom. Finally she got off her phone and started telling me about her, where she was from, things that she was looking forward to. I told her the same things back and around 6 we decided to go check out the buffet spread to see if there was anything fruit like.
We got to the restaurant and sat down with some macaroni and cheese and pink lemonade and were joined by another girl who was going into the navy. *we'll call her navy girl for the sake of continuity* She was awesome. No lie, we had a ton in common and we hit it off but my roommate wanted to go make some more phone calls so she left and when she did we heard a guy talking very loudly about politics. That's always a big no-no in my book when you're trying to meet people but this guy was repelling everyone he was talking to so navy girl and I started making fun of him by yelling recession loudly. There were two guys sitting at the table next to us and they laughed and asked if we wanted to sit with them and since we were done eating we were like sure. Then it was decided that to pass the time we should get cards/ While one of the guys we met *both the guys were joining the navy so bear with me* went to get the cards, a man came up reeking of alcohol and sat next to navy girl and started hitting on him and being a jerk with his wedding ring shining brightly from his ring finger. He sat around trying to get the other navy guy to leave with him to go get a drink, when navy guy tried to come up with excuses to leave the man*we'll call him crazy guy* followed him around and wen't so far as to grab his butt and say "you ain't gettin no pussy tonight". Very awkward. Then we decided to play rummy so I was explained the rules and we invited the first navy guy's roommate to play so he did and then after the game NG1's roommate left we took a little break and crazy guy showed up *again* and took navy girls drink chugged it and with a "that's how we do it airborne" threw the glass down. He was drunk as all get out. I guess no one explained that one of the first tests they do is the breathalizer. So after that we invite a couple of new people to play cards and we play spades for a while which is fun but then we started talking and got more and more people involved and stopped playing cards. It is so nice to meet people and within 20 minutes be comfortable saying whatever to them. So the group I was with ended up being me, navy girl and 4 guys. We went got milkshakes then went back to the hotel to go to bed.
The next morning we were woken up at 5 am by a lovely phone call but I had woken up a little earlier. I got dressed and went to meet navy girl. After a wonderfully uneventful and inedible breakfast we got onto a charter bus and from there we were shipped to MEPS.
MEPS is a big white official looking building which makes sense you walk in there a civilian and walk out an enlisted member of the United States Armed Forces. So we get off the bus where we're told to form up. So we stand in lines and are quickly briefed about what we are going to do and then are separated into different components*shippers, applicants etc*. When I entered the building it was warm and I had to walk through a metal detector when we were then instructed to take off our outerwear and leave our bags in the cubbies provided then we were sent to sit in a room and wait to get our next briefing. We sat down and a Sergeant walked in and explained all about MEPS and what we would be doing. He then separated the Army people from everyone else. Then we went to get name tags and a blank medical file. *This is the point where I realized I left my Social security card and birth certificate with my papers and I need to get them when I go back to MEPS* After that we're put into the computer so that everyone knows that we're there and then shuffled down to the medcial area where we were again briefed about what to expect. After that we went to get blood pressure taken and the nurse let me know that my pulse was too high and if I didn't get it down that I would be dq'ed. So I went to get my vision checked and apparently I don't have 20/20 vision so they tried to figure out my prescription but couldn't so I had to go back there later. Then I went over to get my hearing checked but before I could start they said that the females had to go to get briefed for our physical so that we did.
We went through 3 doors to get to the room to be weighed and measured and then to give a urine sample. Because there were only 11 of us we all got along and talked and had a good time. After finding out I wasn't pregnant and didn't have kidney stones I got to go have my blood drawn. That wasn't bad then back to the room where all of us girls had to get down to our underwear and do 24 orthopedic motions to make sure we didn't have anything wrong. Once that was passed it was time to finish vision and hearing if you didnt and see the doctors if you did. So I went and found out that I'm near sighted... I don't go around reading things far away and it was never that bad so oh well. Then I found out that I have really good hearing. So then back to the back room to see the doctor and have every inch of me examined. Very awkward again but nothing's wrong with me so that works.
Then came the difficult part, the ARMS test. It's 5 minutes stepping up and down from a 12'' box at 120 bmp. If that sounds easy try it, my legs are still killing me. Then for females you have to complete 4 push ups which I did. When I passed I teared up because that meant that I would be physically qualified and that mattered the most to me.
Thus ended my physical and day at MEPS. Long day but it made me realize how much I will love the military. I go back to swear in and get a card so I can go onto military bases :] I'm very excited and I hope you enjoyed this .
That's about it :] I had a ton of fun and I'm still waiting for the Colonel to call :( but I will call my recruiter tomorrow to make sure I haven't missed her call.
I hope everyone's having fun and getting into a festive mood because I know I am!