25

Okay so on facebook and myspace they have a 25 things game where you tell 25 things that no one knows about you... i figured i'd share this one with you 25 Random Things  1. I fell of my bike in 8th grade and gouged out most of the skin a tissue on my elbow. There's still a scar there and an old man with a dog named Oreo had to walk me up to my house because I thought that I had just scraped it. In reality it was so deep and wide I couldn't have stitches. 2. When I was younger I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. I mean from when I was able to say Marine Biologist until I moved to North Carolina in 5th grade. I obsessed about it and studied up on so many different sea creatures and the only camp I ever wanted to go to was Sea Camp but it was too expensive. 3. In my middle school we didn't have the wheel. You chose your instrument before you began band and if you didn't like it too bad. I chose clarinet because all of my friends who I played softball with were going to play the clarinet. That is the worst reason for one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 4. I am over-analytical and I don't really live in the here and now. I've heard this makes for a great doctor but it makes for a very strained relationship with my mother. 5. Up until my junior year of high school I let other people decide what I should be like. I always modeled myself after my friends because I never knew how to act. The reason why I stopped is because I had lost sight of who I wanted to be and then I tried to be who I thought I was at that point. I'm 19 now and I still have no clue who I really am but I'm finally enjoying the search. 6. Softball got me through some really hard times. I moved a lot growing up and the only way I could make friends was through sports. I was always the smartest kid in my classes until middle school and the teachers would single me out. Turns out no one really likes to be compared to one of their peers and aren't very friendly to said peer. 7. When I was really little I remember I would hit in the clothes racks at stores and hope that my mom would worry about me. This probably was because I was jealous of my little sister. That's the only time I've been jealous of her. 8. I was essentially homeless for 2 months this past summer. It taught me a lot about the kindness of others and made me realize how hopelessly fucked up my life was. My parents thought the best change for me would me to go into the military, it makes sense because I loved the militaristic attitude of marching band. 9. I cling to the friends I have now because the friends I made in college are all gone. I mean every last one of them. The friends I have left were my close friends in high school who I didn't alienate when I went off to college and some who I did. I wouldn't trade the few good friends I have for the multitudes of "cool" friends I had during my freshman year of college. 10. I am artsy fartsy. People don't know this because I'm not very talented when it comes to visual expression. I love to sketch and paint and blend oil pastels. I also love to dance although I would never dream of taking classes because I feel like I'd be starting too late. 11. The most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life was to be the drum major of my high school band my junior year. That was one of the hardest years of my life and I missed my AP Chemistry test that year because my mom sent me away for psychiatric evaluation (bet you didn't know that one) and the only time I felt truly happy was conducting the band at FBA and knowing that for approximately 7 minutes of my life I could let go. I know a lot of people disliked me and my leadership but I also know that there was no animosity that night, only happiness. 12. I used to keep secrets because I'm afraid, no, I know people will judge me. Truth be told it has taken me a lot to become the semi-well adjusted person I am now. I refuse to keep secrets now because I feel that if I'm open and honest with people then they will return those sentiments. I am not naive enough, however, to believe that it will work. 13. I am amazing at rock band. In fact I am amazing at anything that requires competition. This is because I have the competitive drive of a champion. I was raised thinking that the only way my parents would be happy with me is if I made good grades and did well in whatever I tried. Because of this I play many instruments proficiently, am a talented athlete, and read the New York TImes every morning to keep up with the world. I did not join the academic team because I didn't want to spend every day studying to keep up. 14. I am terrified of water at night. I get physically ill if faced with it. This is because when I was younger I fell into a pool of tepid water and went under and at that age the fear of something is really instilled in you. I will go to the beach at night but I don't walk too close to the water. 15. I am a very anxious person and paranoid to boot. I bit my nails down to the quick and I need to stop that because not only is it unsightly it is unsanitary. Every time I try to stop though I end up restarting all over again. 16. I don't think I'll ever be thin enough to feel okay about my body. When I was about 10 my mom started commenting about my weight. She still hasn't stopped. 17. I have more love than I know what to do with and I plunge headfirst into any relationship I start. If I make a new friend I feel the need to make them a best friend, if I start dating someone I am so adoring it's annoying. I need to focus this love on myself but that's the hardest thing to do. 18. I made the Alabama All State Orchestra my freshman year. It's because when I play the clarinet solo at the end of A Night on Bald Mountain I cry. They video tape auditions instead of just using audio tape and I had someone at all state come up to me and ask why I cried when I played the solo. I can't say that I know why at all.  19. I was once an atheistic intellectual until I realized that intellect and denying a deity don't have to go hand in hand. I don't want to feel alone and with my religion I never am. 20. I think constantly. It's a problem. My thoughts are so jumpy and rarely do I make segues that make sense to anyone but me. Luckily, I met Rebecca Smith my sophomore year and befriended her junior year. She can keep up with my thoughts and political prattle and we used to make jokes about things that no one else around us had even heard about. I treasure our candid conversations because they could make any think tank jealous. 21. I don't know why but anytime I want something to happen I bargain with everything for it. It's hard to explain but I'll think. If this happens then everything will be okay. Last night it was for the Cardinals to get a safety so I'd get my interview this week. It doesn't always work but it calms me down. 22. Sports are one of the few ways I can connect with my dad. I love my dad so much that I would do anything to be able to talk to him for more than a minute. This is a big reason why I started playing sports at such a young age and also the reason why I started watching ESPN all the time. 23.I love my mom. I hate the relationship we have. I have disappointed her and lied to her so many times and I know eventually I'll make it up to her. I just hope it's not too late. 24. I am not afraid of being deployed. I actually look forward to it. I know that it is an unavoidable experience that many will never experience and I relish things like that. I am nervous about all of the carnage that I will inevitably see but I also know that the bonds I form with my comrades will be the closest bond I will ever make. 25. This is the most open I've been on something that can be read by people who don't know me all too well. At the end of it I feel better than I have in a while. On the Army front: I called my recruiter and she was out to lunch so I should get a call back within the hour. I'm praying so hard and focusing my nervous energy on cleaning my sister's room which for an 11 year olds is suprisingly gross haha