good news

So I have been doing a lot of things lately that have prevented me from posting but I finally have good news. Turns out I just needed one more recommendation. I have been in contact with my high school guidance counselor who has been so nice even though I have to email her 5 times before I remember to attach the forms she needs to use for the recommendation ha. My recruiter told me that as soon as I have this recommendation they'll do my interview and then I can go to MEPS! 

I am excited because that means I'll be leaving soon. I am also getting more into the scared part of leaving. I know I'll miss my family but I've been away from them before. I am so scared of not being able to keep up physically and having to go to the camp for people who can't pass the initial fitness test. I think I'm most scared that I will not be able to pass that test that it's freezing me up. I mean I know I can do 3 push ups and 17 situps easily. Although I know that my usual mile time is about 6 minutes 20 seconds I am terrified that I wont run fast enough to complete my mile in 10:30. 

I think all of my worries are just poking up their ugly heads. I can't even eat because I'm in anxiety mode and I know that sounds really bad seeing as I will be helping save soldiers lives up at the front lines but I am calm in cool in situations that I know some about. Everything I've read about basic training was written after the fact and I know that everyone I've talked to said they had a blast at basic training looking back on it.

I am taking deep breaths and I am getting pumped and I think I'll start running one mile twice daily to get my time as low as I can. Channeling my worried energy into positive :]

I'll keep this more updated now.

25

Okay so on facebook and myspace they have a 25 things game where you tell 25 things that no one knows about you... i figured i'd share this one with you 25 Random Things  1. I fell of my bike in 8th grade and gouged out most of the skin a tissue on my elbow. There's still a scar there and an old man with a dog named Oreo had to walk me up to my house because I thought that I had just scraped it. In reality it was so deep and wide I couldn't have stitches. 2. When I was younger I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. I mean from when I was able to say Marine Biologist until I moved to North Carolina in 5th grade. I obsessed about it and studied up on so many different sea creatures and the only camp I ever wanted to go to was Sea Camp but it was too expensive. 3. In my middle school we didn't have the wheel. You chose your instrument before you began band and if you didn't like it too bad. I chose clarinet because all of my friends who I played softball with were going to play the clarinet. That is the worst reason for one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 4. I am over-analytical and I don't really live in the here and now. I've heard this makes for a great doctor but it makes for a very strained relationship with my mother. 5. Up until my junior year of high school I let other people decide what I should be like. I always modeled myself after my friends because I never knew how to act. The reason why I stopped is because I had lost sight of who I wanted to be and then I tried to be who I thought I was at that point. I'm 19 now and I still have no clue who I really am but I'm finally enjoying the search. 6. Softball got me through some really hard times. I moved a lot growing up and the only way I could make friends was through sports. I was always the smartest kid in my classes until middle school and the teachers would single me out. Turns out no one really likes to be compared to one of their peers and aren't very friendly to said peer. 7. When I was really little I remember I would hit in the clothes racks at stores and hope that my mom would worry about me. This probably was because I was jealous of my little sister. That's the only time I've been jealous of her. 8. I was essentially homeless for 2 months this past summer. It taught me a lot about the kindness of others and made me realize how hopelessly fucked up my life was. My parents thought the best change for me would me to go into the military, it makes sense because I loved the militaristic attitude of marching band. 9. I cling to the friends I have now because the friends I made in college are all gone. I mean every last one of them. The friends I have left were my close friends in high school who I didn't alienate when I went off to college and some who I did. I wouldn't trade the few good friends I have for the multitudes of "cool" friends I had during my freshman year of college. 10. I am artsy fartsy. People don't know this because I'm not very talented when it comes to visual expression. I love to sketch and paint and blend oil pastels. I also love to dance although I would never dream of taking classes because I feel like I'd be starting too late. 11. The most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life was to be the drum major of my high school band my junior year. That was one of the hardest years of my life and I missed my AP Chemistry test that year because my mom sent me away for psychiatric evaluation (bet you didn't know that one) and the only time I felt truly happy was conducting the band at FBA and knowing that for approximately 7 minutes of my life I could let go. I know a lot of people disliked me and my leadership but I also know that there was no animosity that night, only happiness. 12. I used to keep secrets because I'm afraid, no, I know people will judge me. Truth be told it has taken me a lot to become the semi-well adjusted person I am now. I refuse to keep secrets now because I feel that if I'm open and honest with people then they will return those sentiments. I am not naive enough, however, to believe that it will work. 13. I am amazing at rock band. In fact I am amazing at anything that requires competition. This is because I have the competitive drive of a champion. I was raised thinking that the only way my parents would be happy with me is if I made good grades and did well in whatever I tried. Because of this I play many instruments proficiently, am a talented athlete, and read the New York TImes every morning to keep up with the world. I did not join the academic team because I didn't want to spend every day studying to keep up. 14. I am terrified of water at night. I get physically ill if faced with it. This is because when I was younger I fell into a pool of tepid water and went under and at that age the fear of something is really instilled in you. I will go to the beach at night but I don't walk too close to the water. 15. I am a very anxious person and paranoid to boot. I bit my nails down to the quick and I need to stop that because not only is it unsightly it is unsanitary. Every time I try to stop though I end up restarting all over again. 16. I don't think I'll ever be thin enough to feel okay about my body. When I was about 10 my mom started commenting about my weight. She still hasn't stopped. 17. I have more love than I know what to do with and I plunge headfirst into any relationship I start. If I make a new friend I feel the need to make them a best friend, if I start dating someone I am so adoring it's annoying. I need to focus this love on myself but that's the hardest thing to do. 18. I made the Alabama All State Orchestra my freshman year. It's because when I play the clarinet solo at the end of A Night on Bald Mountain I cry. They video tape auditions instead of just using audio tape and I had someone at all state come up to me and ask why I cried when I played the solo. I can't say that I know why at all.  19. I was once an atheistic intellectual until I realized that intellect and denying a deity don't have to go hand in hand. I don't want to feel alone and with my religion I never am. 20. I think constantly. It's a problem. My thoughts are so jumpy and rarely do I make segues that make sense to anyone but me. Luckily, I met Rebecca Smith my sophomore year and befriended her junior year. She can keep up with my thoughts and political prattle and we used to make jokes about things that no one else around us had even heard about. I treasure our candid conversations because they could make any think tank jealous. 21. I don't know why but anytime I want something to happen I bargain with everything for it. It's hard to explain but I'll think. If this happens then everything will be okay. Last night it was for the Cardinals to get a safety so I'd get my interview this week. It doesn't always work but it calms me down. 22. Sports are one of the few ways I can connect with my dad. I love my dad so much that I would do anything to be able to talk to him for more than a minute. This is a big reason why I started playing sports at such a young age and also the reason why I started watching ESPN all the time. 23.I love my mom. I hate the relationship we have. I have disappointed her and lied to her so many times and I know eventually I'll make it up to her. I just hope it's not too late. 24. I am not afraid of being deployed. I actually look forward to it. I know that it is an unavoidable experience that many will never experience and I relish things like that. I am nervous about all of the carnage that I will inevitably see but I also know that the bonds I form with my comrades will be the closest bond I will ever make. 25. This is the most open I've been on something that can be read by people who don't know me all too well. At the end of it I feel better than I have in a while. On the Army front: I called my recruiter and she was out to lunch so I should get a call back within the hour. I'm praying so hard and focusing my nervous energy on cleaning my sister's room which for an 11 year olds is suprisingly gross haha

good things come to those who wait :]

So I haven't posted in a few days because in all honesty there's been no change in anything. I haven't gotten my call or anything but I'm posting this because I just want to update as often as I can.

I've been in a really good mood lately. I'm always on the lookout for new bands that I like because music is something that I believe should be an important part in everyone's lives. On myspace I have a reputation of being the girl to go to for music because when my friends get bored of  the music they listen to all the time I always find good bands that have a habit of making it big :]

So I guess I'm a pretty good contact for new bands to have because in the past few days I've gotten a bunch of friends requests and messages from these new bands and I am just really excited about it. Although I'll be going into the Army soon (God willing) I am still excited about the opportunities to help out these bands before I leave. Back in Tampa I was really into the local scene and I helped spread the word about really good bands and always had my ipod ready to share my latest find and I had put that part of my life aside for a while but I figure since I have spare time I might as well put it to good use.

The reason for my excitement this evening is the Van's Warped Tour.It's a 2 month long tour with tons of great bands and causes, to me it signifies summer and although I won't be finished with my training until the end of July I plan on spending the time I have on leave with my family and also going to at least three stops of the tour. I have friends who volunteer and subsequently get free tickets and vip passes and this year I plan on volunteering with Keep Abreast, which is a foundation that raises money and awareness for breast cancer. Although I don't have any close family members or friends who have been affected by breast cancer I still feel strongly about this cause and I am excited to have the opportunity to volunteer and share my time in order to help those who need help.

While I'm on the topic I want to share another organization with you that really speaks to me. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that was started in order to help people with suicidal thoughts and general depression. Every year they have one day where you write the word love on your wrist to symbolize the millions of people who have taken their lives for various reasons including not having anyone to talk to.

http://www.twloha.com/  that is the link and they emphasize hope and reaching out to those who need it. 

I guess this post isn't so much about the Army as it is about me and who I am deep down and what makes me tick :]

Song of the day is below... this band is upbeat and kinda new... well they're brand new to me... but its all happy go lucky which is my mood... i wont stress anymore... my new friend john told me he knew my interview would happen this week so i'll accept whatever happens :]

another day, another blog

So I just realized that I never really explained what the interview I'm waiting for is all about. I've hinted but I guess I never came right out and said it. Everyone has things in their past that they regret, for me it was involvement with the police. I mean I'm not a felon or anything and the incident was when I was 16 so it's expunged (there's no open records for it) which has made it very hard to track down. I knew that I had this in my past but I also knew it was expunged which means you can't just go up to the courthouse and say, "hey, I need my record please" (I tried haha) So that's the interview I'm waiting for... well half of it. The other half is because my college records proved difficult to provide. I think it was the fact that most of the over 20 credits I have are from high school Advanced Placement classes and it's hard to get USF to send a transcript with my AP credits on there. The transcript I had just listed that I had 16 credits from high school and then showed the classes I took my freshman year of college. So yeah, all of that's been sorted out for a while. According to my recruiter the Colonel has been involved in battalion inspections for the past week and a half and today should be the last day but she didn't seem too hopeful that I'd get my interview done by the end of the week but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to take it as it is and keep working on my 2 mile run time :]

That's my military update. Now a great big welcome to all of you who have been directed here by AirmanMom :] I'm glad that so many people out there are interested in the lives of military (and future) military members :] It means a lot to me and I know whoever else you support through the blog world feels the same amount of gratitude. To answer Michelle's question; I'm going to be a  68W *combat medic* I want to be a doctor eventually so this is the trial run I guess. 

Today just started so I don't have much to say. I'm going to go on a run and work out heavily today. My stomach has been killing me the past few days, it's been killing my appetite etc. so last night I woke up randomly and I realized it's all the work I've been doing to my abs. I always do a whole bunch of crunches and sit ups and whatnot and let me tell you, I feel the burn for real! 

Okay well that's all. If I hear anything of course I'll run to the computer and blog it out but I doubt it will happen today. 

Today's song will be a bit of a change I guess it was a one hit wonder a while back *in the 60's I think* but it makes me happy. It's called Where do you go to my lovely by Peter Starstedt 

without a doubt you're all i dream about

Well yesterday didn't go quite how I expected it to. I didn't get a call from my recruiter and although things have quieted down on the home front I am still quite antsy to get out there. I haven't run in a couple of days because I pulled a muscle in my thigh so tonight I'm going on my first run this week. It should be interesting. I'm just going to run from my house to the beach and back which is roughly a mile and I'll time it to see how much 2 days can ruin a nice running time. I'm down to 28% body fat which is a loss of 8% from the time when I had to do my ARMS test almost 2 months ago. I've worked really hard on the body fat% but I haven't really lost weight. I can tell the difference though and I mean I feel a lot better physically so that's great.

I'm going to call my recruiter around 1-ish today to check up and see what's going on with everything. I stopped praying to leave a few nights ago and I started praying for whatever needs to happen to happen. I just wanted to give up the worrying because it was taking a toll on me. I'm not prone to panic attacks but my anxiety had been mounting so I just gave up worrying. I don't have to worry about those things because everything will happen when it's meant to.

I'm starting to see a pattern in my days. I work out I watch tv and I spend entirely too much time organizing my itunes. I think my first purchase after I get a chance to buy something will be a new ipod because it didn't make sense to bring mine with me and mine was only 4 gigs. I want a 120 gig one so I can put on movies and whatnot. I have a budget drawn up for when I come home on leave too already. My best friend is the type to plan everything out ahead of time even though we probably will just spend the time at the beach or hanging out at her house. 

I've had a lot of people suggest that maybe the Army isn't for me and that's the reason why I haven't gotten my interview so I want to kind of explain why I'm joining... well re-explain what the military means to me and why I wouldn't do anything else.

To me the best job in the world is helping others. I think that anyone who would give up their lives to help others is a hero and everyone in the military knows that there is the possibility that one day they will be in a position where they could be killed yet I have yet to speak to a military member that would choose to avoid the danger if it meant making the people back home in the states safer. Sacrificing oneself for others is the least selfish thing that a person can manage to do. Now I know that other people are willing to put themselves in harms way and they too are heroes but there's something so grand and fantastic about the military that is so hard to describe. They are professional in the highest degree. There is a very clear cut understanding of your place in the military world and you know that there are always people there for you to go to with problems who care about you and know more than enough to help you get through times that you may otherwise fail yourself in. As a teenage girl I haven't the slightest clue of my place in this world. I know what I want to do someday and I know a couple of the steps to get there but the military is the most fulfilling way to spend my life, that much I am certain of. So although in the past I have been a whiney, selfish, little girl I know I will gain the strength I need from the Army and I know that although not everyone will appreciate the things that the military does that each and every individual in the United States and many around the world will benefit from what the military does and will sleep safely at night because of the bravest men and women in the world. Sorry if it sounds a bit preachy, but it is something I feel very strongly about and I think my friends will understand this much better once they're a little older. Maybe they'll never understand but I know for sure that I will take every moment of my military career and live it to the fullest.

Well I'll step down off my soap box now and go back to what I was doing. I'll post later if there's any good news fron the recruiter :]

Today's song is Vegas by All Time Low... simply because I've listened to it 7 times in a row and I'm still loving it :]

to be continued

Today will be a good day. I've decided and although it's only 8:30, I know I can make it happen.. I think I'm going to stretch and work out for a while and just dedicate today to doing the little things that I need to do. I want to call a bunch of people who I haven't talked to in a while to catch up and make sure I have no loose ends left untied in the hopes that I'll get my interview today. I have laundry to do and I would like to brush up on some of my languages and of course dance. I love dancing so much lately and I danced in front of my younger sister yesterday and she laughed so hard..

so those are the plans for today... hopefully I get all these things accomplished :]

more to come later

dont be so hard on yourself :]

So my blog yesterday wasn't the happiest one I've had. I think I just got bogged down in my negativity and I have regrouped my thoughts and I think I can move back into the excitement of joining the Army. I was really relieved when I got the call from my recruiter and I'm really excited that I will be able to go in as an E-3 instead of an E-1 and I think that means that things are going exceptionally well.

I really do hate that things keep getting pushed back but I do know that it will all happen in the time it's supposed to. I pray every night to be sent to basic when I'm ready so I suppose it's just not time yet. My best friend takes it as it's not meant to be but this really is the path I need to be on.

A lot of things have been going on in the nation recently and the major event that has everyone talking was the inauguration of Obama. I am a Republican through and through but I can appreciate the hope that one man instills in the nation albeit an irrational hope. I think that placing the responsibility of fixing so many things that are mixed up in our nation on one man's shoulder is too much for him to handle. However, Obama seems to be making these promises and going one better. I think that the Guantanamo Bay closing will be amazing for his record if he can do it in the time he promised. I think that setting such short timelines for major events is a result of thinking a bit too much of one's abilities. Yes, he has all the support one would ned to accomplish the tasks he's set ahead for himself, but I think if he had given himself a bit of leeway that he would have less of a chance of turning the American people against him. If he does not accomplish what he's promised then he will have to face letting down millions of people.

I usually reserve my political rants and raves for special occasions but I felt that I should share the very few of the issues I have with our new president right now. I posted a blog on my myspace with slightly more depth as to how I feel and what I feel can and cannot be reasonably accomplish in the time Obama has allotted. I know that my opinions definitely don't match up with many of my friends but I got a discussion started and honestly that's all I could ever ask for.

I've been listening to bands that I've seen live before lately because I think that live music is one of the most amazing experiences you can have. I have performed in innumerable concerts in my life and I've always been an advocate for the arts but the bands I've been listening to are bands that are pop/punk in nature and I've found that one of the best exercises you can do is dance. Now, I'm the first one to admit that when I dance it looks like I'm in need of medical attention but I think it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you have fun. 

I've started talking to some old friends from high school again. I realize time and time again how much I have changed. It's astounding. I was so self involved yet meek when it came to speaking my mind. My selfishness drove away plenty of old friends and even my family at times but I think I've matured enough to lose some of my selfishness. When it comes to speaking my mind I've discovered that I shouldn't be scared anymore. I have always been a very opinionated girl and if I can change a few minds or open up some trains of thought that's all I want.

So this has turned into a rant. Heh. I'm good at that. I'm much happier today and I think I can pick a good song for it.

This band is called The Audition and the song is called Don't Be So Hard.

This band is AMAZING!!!! like I met their lead singer and guitarist because they did an acoustic set at warped tour n St. Pete Florida which is the one I went to. They sound just as good live as recorded and I've included two videos... obviously in the live one though they are crazy into it :]]

I love the Warped Tour and I plan on going to it no matter where I have to travel next summer :]

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